Eating BBQ ribs undetected amidst the wilds of Corporate America is no easy task. But it is possible — with speed and preparedness:
1) Survey the scene of your desk. Remove any important documents that would not be enhanced by BBQ sauce or scent.
2) Schedule a fake meeting during your lunch. Then, schedule another fake meeting after your first fake meeting. Clean-up will take time. Your summer sweater may be called up in case there are injuries to your cerulean blue button down.
3) Buy a small mirror and attach to your computer screen. It will ground you of your surroundings, help you avoid sneak attacks, and later be useful for BBQ removal. Consider this mirror your mission’s swiss army knife.
4) Remove the noise-cancelling headphones from your ears. While you will be forced to hear office noises, it will be worth it. You must be watchful if Cheryl decides she absolutely needs that new email subject line ASAP.
5) Duck beneath your cube wall so your head is not visible to passersby as you eat. Cheryl should have been a F*@*ing FBI agent.
6) Cool it with the slurping. This isn’t 7-11. Yes, some might consider BBQ sauce a liquid beverage and they wouldn’t be wrong. I remember doing shots after I lost Billy, my pet bull dog, hoping to drown the pain. And guess what. I just got heartburn! I’m just saying, let’s show some restrain.
7) Be prepared to leave behind the ribs that can’t keep up with the pack. This is always an impossible decision – the Sophie’s Choice of ribs. But there will always be a rib you can’t get to in time. Or that has too much fat on the bone. Girl, you will need to leave this rib behind. That doesn’t mean you need to forget about the joy you and this rib shared together.
8) Let’s dress for success. Start by wearing a limited color palette. If anyone asks about the orange mess on your face say, no, that’s not BBQ sauce. Its high-end rouge. Make them feel bad for not knowing the difference. Neutrals are your friends, today. Except Cheryl, the Switzerland of all office-decision making. Just make a choice, Cheryl. Both new logos look like JEB! rejects.
9) Your age and agility are a key factor. The older you are, the more exposed you will feel if caught with sauce residue smeared across your face. The younger you are, the more likely you will not get hired beyond your 10-week unpaid internship. All ages can benefit from setting a rib trap two feet from your desk, made of bubble wrap (Duh!).
10) Once you’ve completed your BBQ mission, a hazmat situation will be enacted. Ensure you have moist wipes, water and lots of paper napkins at your disposal. Like many poor decisions you’ve made at work, this never happened.
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