Being a parent is never easy. You worry about your child constantly. You want him to eat right, do well in school and not get involved with the wrong crowd. You spend day and night working to house, clothe and feed your child knowing full well that he will rarely, if ever, show you the gratitude you deserve. In fact, the older he gets, the less respectful and more rebellious he will become. He will fight, disobey and ignore you. He won’t want to talk to you or see you. The little boy who once wouldn’t let go of your leg when you dropped him off for his first day of preschool will now suffer a near panic attack if seen with you in a public place.

While I may not be a parent, or a husband, or even someone’s boyfriend, I was a teenager once, and I can still remember how angsty, conniving and flat out rude teenagers can be. That is why I have comprised this list of 10 tips to help you better understand, and cleverly outsmart your teenage boy.

1. If his door is locked, leave him alone. You jerked off too when you had pimples.

2. Grounding him won’t make him do better in school. However, doing his homework for him will.

3. Don’t ask if he has a girlfriend. If he wants you to know, he’ll ask for money.

4. If you have something to say, submit it in writing. All verbal communication shall cease between the ages of 13 and 18. (See below translation of three common teenage phrases.)

  • “Whatever” – Thank you mom, I would really appreciate that.
  • “God, leave me alone!” – Could this conversation possibly wait till after I’ve jerked off?
  • “Pfft” sound – I’d rather not do this right now, as I am tired from a long day of being unpopular.

5. Is your teenager smoking pot? Rather than thinking of this as a problem, think of it as an opportunity to confiscate free pot.

6. On weekends, it is advised to wait until the sun’s descent before waking your teen. Remember, G-String Divas isn’t on till late.

7. Don’t approve of what he’s wearing? Yelling at him won’t work. Instead, try wearing the exact same thing as him while out in public together. He’ll change.

8. Is your teenager hanging out with the wrong crowd? Sending him to military school will only make him hate you. Instead, send him to clown school. Those kids will probably stop hanging out with him.

9. Don’t like the way he talks to you? Make a swear jar. Use that jar to smash him over the head every time he says something disrespectful.

10. Is your son watching too much TV? Step one: Get rid of all the TVs you don’t control. Step two: Watch nothing but reruns of Whitney. He’ll find something else to do.

There you have it. I hope these tips have helped you better understand your teenage son, but more importantly I hope the single ladies out there reading this article have discovered what an ideal mate I would be, and that some TV producer decides to cast me as TV’s next The Bachelor.


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