“The Freshman 15”—it’s a part of every new college student’s first year of matriculation. If you’re going away to school this year, you’ve probably been warned and feel scared. You needn’t worry. Just follow these tips and you’ll have put on the Freshman 15—or maybe even more—by Thanksgiving break.

1. Getting used to the college lifestyle can be tricky, and it certainly takes some getting used to. Don’t take too heavy of a course load during your first term. Limiting yourself to 12 credits frees up valuable extra snacking time.

2. Early-morning classes are easier to get into, owing to their unpopularity with groggy college students. The dining hall opens at 6 a.m., which means you can get breakfast, head out to your 8 a.m. class, and then, when everybody else is at their 9 a.m. classes, you can hit the dining hall again, and with no long lines to boot!

3. Dorm rooms make for close quarters. Hang a tie or scarf on the doorknob if you need to be alone, if you know what we mean, because sometimes you just want to eat a party sub in peace and quiet and without being asked to share.

4. Go team! Many colleges offer home-game tickets to sporting events free of charge to students. These can then be traded to townies and sports fans for a sack of burgers or a couple of burritos.

5. Drinking is simply a part of college life. You will encounter it, and if you choose to drink, be careful. Know your limit, don’t leave your drink unattended, and avoid spirits like vodka and gin, which pack a measly 60 calories per serving.

6. You can’t study on an empty stomach, so take plenty of study breaks and refresh yourself with “brain food” like a bucket of chicken, a tray of brownies, or a gallon of chocolate milk.

7. Food eaten late at night is much more likely to turn into permanent fat, as your body doesn’t have a chance to burn those calories. Eat lots of food late at night. One suggestion: pizza.

8. If you’re still trying to maintain a long distance relationship with your high school sweetheart, break it off. College is a time for new people, new things, and talking on the phone all night is time you could be spending checking out restaurants in your new town.

9. Thinking of joining a fraternity or sorority? Hazing is frowned upon, but is still rampant at many universities, where “pledges” are forced to do things like strip down to their underwear and go swimming at night or go for naked jogs that last for several blocks or more.

10. You should head home for a visit, but not too often. College is about forging an identity, creating the new you, and your mom’s home cooking has really suffered since she started doing South Beach.


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!