13 Tips for Becoming a Millionaire
(if you get stuck in the past)

Alright, fine, you’re stuck in the past. Now what do you do?

If you’ve become unstuck in time before reading this, then I hope you enjoy your time in what passes for an asylum, whenever you are.

If you’re still in the present, then you’re in luck. This article is just the first of several vital pieces of information you need to learn. The two best things you can do right now are to collect reference materials to begin memorizing, and to start carrying a jar of cinnamon with you at all times. As much as you can comfortably carry. Plus a little.

This is what we call a “shortcut.” Shortcut to what? To becoming a millionaire. It’s one of the most important things you can do in the past. In our system for retro-chronal survival, becoming a millionaire is the third rung of what we call “the ladder,” and it can make a huge impact on your survival rate.

Now the problem with being trapped in the past is that you can’t be sure of when you’re going to be. You need a breadth of knowledge, not a depth. A simple working knowledge of world history or important science and technology is better than the exact schematics of a specific invention. A specific invention can be excellent millionaire preparation, but in most cases it is only applicable for a frustratingly narrow time window.

Start by learning basic first-aid and sterilization procedures. Don’t count on anyone knowing how to save your life. There might be diseases you aren’t used to in the past, and if you’re not prepared to prevent them yourself then you’ve got a lot of leeches and trepanation in your past-future.

Go ahead and memorize what stocks hit and when. Get the temptation out of the way. Feel free to learn to create a profitable piece of art. Lots of us do it. Harper Lee, J.D. Salinger, The Baha Men, and Margaret Mitchell, to name a few. For me, since I find it easier to remember music than memorize the complete text of a novel, I have learned the complete instrumentation of Michael Jackson’s album Thriller. All I have to do is get there first.

Start small and work your way up. Have a plan for each century. Each fifty years, twenty-five years, each decade. Then elaborate. Simply knowing to turn up in Burbank, CA in the 1920s with $40,000 to buy the Lockheed Corporation is going to already give you a huge advantage over other time travelers. Coming up with a business plan to produce the stealth bomber by 1957 is playing the game at a professional level.

Feel free to steal liberally from your future-past. The motto of my Timeschool is “Be Prepared,” which I have stolen from the Boy Scouts of America. I have also learned the Scout oath, law, slogan, and other necessary details in case I turn up in the 1890s and choose to become the founder of the BSA.

My time with the scouts also taught me almost a dozen ways to make fire, so that if I end up deep enough in the past I can become a god-king. Recommended!

So what can you do with your millions when you get them? Time-hop forward one week and refresh your browser to find out! Or if you can’t wait, enroll in my Timeschool today! Or sooner!

Also read: 9 Fun Things to Do with a Million Dollars


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!