I’ve seen friends and family members have children, and it was the greatest day of their lives.  And, as their loved one, it truly was and continues to be wonderful to see their joy. But there are others, like myself, who are opting to not have kids. To find joy in other things. LIfe is diverse, and there are so many lifestyles to choose from today. I love that people love having kids, but there are a lot of reasons to choose a different path. So, here is a list of my personal reasons why I just don’t think I’m going to be having kids any time soon.

1. I’m impotent.

2. I suffer from erectile dysfunction.

3. My thing don’t sing.

4. I am unable to maintain an erection.

5. I am unable to achieve an erection.

6. Erect?  Me?  No.

7. Bloodflow to my penis is too weak to generate any significant results.

8. Got that mashed potato dick.

9. My “organ” is out of tune.

10. A woman fluent in Latin once described me as impotentia coeundi.

11. “Sofites Dog Treats” was named after my penis. I am currently in litigation for copyright infringement because no one should be able to use the term “softy” without my written consent.

12. Yes, this includes when people jokingly refer to tap dancing as “soft shoe.” My malfunctioning dick doesn’t think it’s such a joke.

13. At camping trips, I have to warn everyone in advance not to confuse my dick for marshmallows when they’re making their godforsaken s’mores.

There you have it. I guess that just sums up where I’m at in life right now. So maybe take some time to consider your choices and your future and also the fact that often smaller dogs are more aggressive than bigger ones and reconstructive penile surgeries aren’t always successful. So, I don’t know, boogie boarding is supposed to fun.


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!