2013. A year in which movies were made and released into theaters. I saw four of them, and these are my thoughts.

I liked FRANCES HA. It was clever and funny, all while capturing something very real about being a struggling young artist. This movie will make you laugh, cry and–most importantly–think. However, this film featured zero dogs so zero stars.

This movie had embarrassingly few dogs. Did Alfonso Cuarón even research space travel before making GRAVITY? I mean, it didn’t feature a single nod to its foremost pioneers. I think we can all agree that it’s only reasonable to expect at least one cuddly canine in ninety minutes of a space movie. But GRAVITY simply went on, dogless, for what felt like at least a hundred and ten minutes. It’s like, maybe throw in a pup during Sandra Bullock’s huge bummer flashback scenes? To lighten the mood? I’m just spitballing and already I’m trumping Cuarón’s vision. Despite the outer space setting, I’m giving GRAVITY zero stars, and the 2013 award for Dogless Slog.

This movie was about psychiatry and, like, how women be scheming? Also zero pups. Negative five stars.

A triumph. While this film featured only one dog, that dog was, I would say, the main character. Will Ferrell and his cronies did their best and everything, but it was Peanut (aka Baxter) who carried ANCHORMAN 2 to the stars and back (take that, GRAVITY). There were dog paintings, dog tricks, dog life-savings–truly excellent. ANCHORMAN 2 gets one hundred stars, and the 2013 award for Hot DOG, That Was Good!

This has been a year in review with me, Professor of Movies, Doctor of Dogs, Paige Weldon. Check back next year for reviews of anywhere from zero to five movies, some of which may technically be from the year previous.

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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