1. If the opossum is hissing, it is going to attack.

2. If the opossum is in a dumpster, it is going to attack.

3. If the opossum is in a trash bag that has a half-eaten cake in it, it (the opossum, not the trash bag) is going to attack.

4. If you try to take the cake away from the opossum, it is going to attack.

5. If you really want the cake, you are going to take it from the opossum anyway, and it is going to attack.

6. If the opossum has a name, it might not attack.

7. If you name the opossum Sam and it still hisses at you, it is going to attack.

8. Maybe the opossum will not attack if you ask for the cake nicely.

9. If the opossum still hisses at you after you nicely asked for the cake it is eating, it is going to attack.

10. Try another dumpster.

11. This one has a opossum in it, too. And no cake. It is not fair that you have to go to another dumpster just because this particular opossum wants all of the cake that is inside the first dumpster, but life is not always fair. Just leave the opossums and the cake and the dumpsters alone.

12. Wait, do not do that. You are a bear, and a bear should not be afraid of confronting opossums.

13. Be stern with the opossum.

14. If you are stern with the opossum and it bites at your paw, it is going to attack. And sort of already has.

15. This is very frustrating.

16. I just want the cake that is in this dumpster. Please, opossum, let me have this cake. You can have whatever else is inside of this dumpster. I just want the cake. Please.

17. If the opossum is whipping its tail at you after you have pleaded with it, it is going to attack.

18.  Just take the cake.

19. Do it.

20. I took the cake away from Sam.

21. Sam attacked.

22. Oh no.

23. That did not hurt very much, actually.

24. Do not fear opossums because they are small.

25. Oh wait, there is more than one opossum.

26. There are so many.

27. If the herd of opossums staring at you has created a united front against your presence, they are going to attack.


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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