In today’s economy, it’s harder than ever to find steady income. So what does one do to make a little extra cash? Drive for a ride share service that puts miles on your odometer and puke in your back seat? Cater for some fat cat’s estranged son’s wedding? Walk some fat cat’s estranged son’s gay dogs and pick up their poop? No thanks, Hank!
If you wanna make some real money nowadays, all you gotta use is the oldest trick in the book: a con!
Conning people out of their money with a classic scheme is one of the oldest and best part time jobs in America! The hours are great, the money’s phenomenal, and at the end of the day you won’t have even gotten your hands dirty (unless you’re pulling a Mississippi Mud Pie, in which case your hands will be covered in mud from washing mud off of your genitals)! And there are so many classic cons to choose from–The Hairpin Turnip, Rodney’s Revenge, The Switcharoo, The Lake Placid Two Step, The Milwaukee Shuffle, The Kansas City Missouri, The Kansas City Kansas, The Old Applebottom Richard, The Humpty Dance, and so many more! And guess what? You just got conned! The Milwaukee Shuffle isn’t even a con! It’s a grift! All of those are grifts! This whole article is actually going to be about classic grifts! Oh you fucking idiot. Man, I conned you good. So without further adieu, here are some classic grifts you can use to make some extra money.
The Without Further Adieu
Our Man walks into a restaurant with an old violin. He sets the violin on the counter, orders a meal, and eats without making a fuss. As soon as Our Man is done with his meal, a panic overcomes him. He tells the waiter, “I’ve left my wallet at my hotel! I must go get my wallet so I can pay for this meal.” The waiter says, “Wait a minute, Buster.” Our Man goes with the waiter thinking his name is Buster. Our Man Buster I guess says, “Hold on to my old violin for collateral. It’s not much, but I’m a musician and it’s all I have.” The waiter relents, and places the violin behind the counter so Buster can get his wallet. After Buster leaves, a second man enters, a very official looking Business Man. The Business Man sits down and orders a coffee. He then “notices” the violin and gasps. He says to the waiter, “Is that your violin? It’s very rare and could fetch upwards of $50,000 dollars.” And the waiter, believing Buster to have not known the value of his violin says, “Why it belongs to a friend of mine and I could never sell it.” The Business Man says, “That’s a shame,” finishes his coffee and leaves. Then the waiter, who now thinks this violin is worth $50,000, tells Our Man, Buster, upon his return with his wallet that he will buy this, “worthless violin” for $30,000. Our Man can’t believe it, and happily sells his “worthless violin,” and walks away with 30k. But here’s the con: The Businessman and Our Man are working together! The violin was actually only worth $29,950! That sucker waiter overpaid $50 bucks! If you can get your hands on a bunch of violins worth $29,950 you could make some serious chump change, easy as pie!
The Ol’ Brother Jarvis
This is a classic grift for pool sharks, so if you’re not a pool shark, this one may not be for you. First, you go to a pool hall, act like you suck for a while, and eventually someone will ask you to play against them for money. You agree, and the first game for money, continue to intentionally suck. Then, when you lose, beg the other guy for a double or nothing rematch. He’ll think, “What an idiot!” and accept your double or nothing offer. That’s when you stop sucking, and beat him. He’ll then say, “You tricked me! You didn’t even suck this whole time!” And then he’ll try to kick your ass. But THAT’S when you say, “You better not! My brother Jarvis is 7 feet tall and he’s waiting in the car and he’ll kick your ass!” and the guy will then say, “No fucking way you have a 7-foot brother named Jarvis, I’m still gonna kick your ass!” And he’s right. You don’t have a 7-foot-tall brother named Jarvis waiting in the car. Your 6’10 brother Ryan is waiting in the car, so you call him and he comes in and kicks the guy’s ass and you go home with your pool winnings. What a maroon! Nobody’s name is Jarvis!
The Louisiana Whoopsie Daisy
Find a friend, but not a friend you wouldn’t be comfortable stealing from. Get yourself invited to their house using your charm. Once in the house, bring up how much you like the show Mad About You. Say something like, “not only was it the perfect vehicle for American treasure Paul Reiser, it really encapsulated 90s era New York neuroses as well as any show other than Seinfeld.” Or something like that. Your friend will say, “Where can I even watch Mad About You these days?” And then you’ll reply, “Most, if not all of it, is streaming on Crackle.” And they’ll say, “What’s Crackle?” And you’ll explain that it’s a mid-tier streaming programming service. The catch? During this whole time you’ve been slowly putting your friend’s possessions into a duffle bag. When your friend notices, hit him with a frying pan and say, “Whoopsie daisy!”
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!