Clothes speak louder than words. So when you’re putting together that new fall wardrobe, make sure it clearly screams: I THOUGHT MY LIFE WOULD BE BETTER THAN THIS, with every sweater you put on! They say: Diamonds are a girl’s best friend, but I would beg to differ. Shapeless knit sweaters are a girl’s best friend! And by best friend, I mean ‘best thing to cry into.’

Light Blue Cardigan

Privilege comes with its own suburban hell and this is a great way to make it clear that you’re there! Toot-Toot! All aboard the ‘First World Problems’ train! The sky is a beautiful blue and you’re not happy with your life! That’s ok! Grab a small, delicate knit with mother-of-pearl buttons to show off that you went to an elite college, worked hard for your degree, and still feel trapped!

Chunky Grey Oversized

This grey number completely envelops you in your own cocoon of unhappiness. There’s no way you can move up the corporate ladder in this sweater. You’re practically drowning in this pearl stitching! You don’t ever have to come out. Your body might honestly rot in that sweater. But it’s so cozy! And why would you ever ask for a promotion when you can just hide in an article of clothing. Donna in HR has been in the same job for 42 years. Isn’t that what you aspire to? No? Ok! This screams: I eat the exact same sandwich every day for lunch!

Black Cashmere

Chic and perfect to wear with a bold red lip! But you accepted a proposal from that guy you’ve been dating since freshman year of college because honestly, he loves you. And you’ve heard so many horrible things about the dating scene. Your profile would be trash since there are no good pictures of you from the last 3 years and you can’t remember which way to swipe if you like someone. You haven’t had to try since you two started dating 8 years ago. You’re just going to take the diamond. So you don’t even need a bold lip, is really what you’re saying.

Oxblood Sweater Dress

When you’re drinking alone because everyone else has plans and you throw your own pity party, it’s perfect to sop up the wine you spill all over yourself. And it doesn’t fucking matter because it’s all the same GODDAMN COLOR. It’s hand-wash only but YOU DON’T EVER HAVE TO HAND-WASH THIS. BECAUSE NO ONE CARES HOW YOU SMELL. YOU HAVEN’T BEEN TOUCHED IN 6 MONTHS AND YOU ARE TRULY CONTENT WITH YOUR PINOT NOIR AND CHEESE THAT MAKES YOU FEEL SICK BECAUSE YOUR BODY CANNOT PROCESS LACTOSE.

Next up! 5 fall boots perfect for curb-stomping your ex!





The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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