Logan Guntzelman is an LA-based comic and writer. Her work has been featured on LAist.com and CBS local news, and she was once told she had the swagger of a Latina. To date, this is her greatest achievement.

Even if eating healthier is your main goal in the New Year, it can be hard to resist the convenience of your local drive thru at the end of a tiring day. But what if dinner provided enough stamina to get you through the day AND stick to your resolutions? Enter my newest recipe, 5-hour Energy® Chicken. It’s simple, really: a chicken cooked in 5-hour Energy®  for 5 hours.

– 1 whole chicken
– 1 stick butter
– 9 bottles of regular 5-hour Energy®
– 1 bottle of 5-hour Energy®

– Salt & pepper to taste


STEP 1: Remove chicken giblets and wash both inside and outside of chicken. Pat dry. If you’re like me and it’s your first time preparing a chicken, feel free to express discomfort.

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STEP 2: Put chicken in a large plastic bag – garbage bags work best! Pour nine bottles of 5-hour Energy® over chicken. Refrigerate for 5 hours.

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I used a combination of the pomegranate and the berry flavored 5-hour Energy®. I used pomegranate 5-hour Energy® because pomegranate is an ancient Greek symbol for a fruitful new year, and I used berry 5-hour Energy® because the pharmacy ran out of pomegranate 5-hour Energy®.

STEP 3: Melt stick of butter. Combine with 5-hour Energy® EXTRA. Put melted butter back in the fridge to resolidify.

STEP 4: Preheat oven to 250° F/120° C. Remove chicken from garbage bag and coat in butter/5-hour Energy® mixture. Sprinkle with salt and pepper.

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STEP 5: Cook chicken for 5 hours. Remove chicken from oven. Pour drippings into a pan and boil it until the 5-hour Energy®/butter/chicken juices thicken and turn dark brown.

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        **Note: If your dad won’t let you use the family gravy boat for your, as he calls it, “waste of oven space,” gravy can be served in a fun coffee mug!**

STEP 6: Let 5-hour Energy® chicken and gravy cool a bit, then serve!


**Note: 5-hour Energy® chicken was truly terrible. But the experience of nearly vomiting as a group will bring your family closer together for years to come!  And if you think about it, getting closer to your family is a way better New Year’s resolution than eating healthy.

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The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 

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