The One Who Tells You to Evacuate the Premises, Immediately

Film school is a competitive place, everyone wants to be on top. It’s natural that others will feel threatened by your presence. They’re not gonna get rid of you that easy. You’re a talent–a true auteur–your brilliant mind is going to make a brilliant film that you’ll take to Sundance or Cannes or wherever you want to. You will be compared to the Truffauts, to the Orson Welleses and the Spielbergs! You’re going to make it, dammit!

The One Who Claims the Building is on Fire

Just because they’re trying to dissuade you with cries of “a fire in the film lab,” and that “it’s spreading quickly,” and “Oh God, how could such a tragedy happen to us” doesn’t mean you’re going to give up on your dreams. They’re all a bunch of cowards. A little motivation never hurt anyone and you’ll be damned if you let that get inside your head. Your screenplay about two teenagers coming of age in the suburbs of Philadelphia in the wake of the moon landing is good and original.

The One Who’s Trapped Under Rubble

Nice try, pal. Sure they need help now as their body is crushed by rubble, and next week they’ll need someone to hold a boom or move lights on their set. Then nobody takes you seriously as an artist, as a creator, and you’re just a lackey. You know how this goes, this ain’t your first rodeo. Last week they were tearing apart your script calling it “myopic” and “lacking character development”. Now they’re singing a different tune crying “please help me!” and “I feel unspeakable pain!” Well, who’s lacking character development now? Huh?

The One Who’s a Firefighter

There’s one of these guys in every film school, the guy who dresses up and gallivants around like a firefighter. I heard P.T. Anderson did the same thing when he was at NYU. It’s a smooth move, pal, sticking with the classics. He’ll probably try and pull some crap like throwing your body over his shoulder, sprinting out of the building with the power of an ox, and getting you medical attention. Don’t fall for his tricks, he’s probably just trying to get feedback on his short film.

The One Who is Obsessed with Marvel Movies

You’re barely conscious after all that smoke inhalation, laying in the back of an ambulance, and this nerd STILL won’t stop talking about the stupid Spider-man reboot and how it’s more accurate to the comic books than the original Spider-man movies. Seems like he’s going to follow you to the hospital, as his arm is covered in second-degree burns. Where’s that guy who was trapped under rubble? He wasn’t that bad.


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!

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