Auntie Anne’s

Auntie Anne’s has a variety of pretzels, from savory to sweet, that will help ease the pain left in your soul by Brock, that assface with an Adonis bod. Brock swore he would call you about plans to get drinks after work, but he never did. Try the pretzel dogs!

Philly Style Pretzel

This figure eight shaped pretzel is a regional favorite from the City of Brotherly love! Brock probably had plenty of these during his time at Wharton Business School, which isn’t as impressive as everyone makes it out to be. The soft, chewy texture of this pretzel is perfect for the vulnerable state you’re in, after dreaming of the kids you and Brock would’ve had. Too bad he ghosted the shit out of you.

Bag of Snyder’s of Hanover’s

You can find this in pretty much any gas station or supermarket. These are a convenient, affordable option, which you can purchase while in your dirty sweatpants, listening to Adele. The only problem with these little guys is that they are pretty fragile. If you were to put one of these in your hand, you could recreate what Brock did to your heart; by crushing it into a million pieces. Stay strong, you will make it through this.

Microwaveable box of frozen pretzels

These are pretty high in trans fats, preservatives and are a proven carcinogen. Listen to me: don’t do this to yourself. I know he hurt you, but these sorry excuses for pretzels can’t undo that pain. Don’t do any unnecessary damage. Have some self respect.

Half eaten street cart pretzel you found on the sidewalk

Oh god you monster. That is trash. A rat started to eat that but then scurried away because it was too nasty. Too disgusting for a rat, too disgusting for you, right? NO! PUT THAT DOWN! THIS IS WHY BROCK DIDN’T CALL, YOU TRASH MONSTER!



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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