Logan Guntzelman is an LA-based comic and writer. Her work has been featured on LAist.com and CBS local news, and she was once told she had the swagger of a Latina. To date, this is her greatest achievement.

1. He keeps calling you “cuz.”

Of course, he could just be a huge fan of early 90s street lingo. But to play it on the safe side, avoid any potential bedmate who uses such a familial term of endearment.

2. Before you went to the bar, he was at your family’s house for dinner.

So he took you out for dinner before signing you up for a free trial of his NetDicks account? He’s a keeper. But if that restaurant was your parent’s dining room table, he might not be the best choice.

3. He already has naked pics of you together.

In a bathtub, when you were both four! Why does he have that? He might say that “Aunt Janet” snapped this pic of a “cute moment,” but you go right ahead and tell him that Aunt Janet is a weird name for a child porn director. Then immediately stop talking to him. And stop looking for his little thing in the bubblebath! This guy is bringing out the worst in you! Pay your tab and leave!

4. Another one of your cousins is at the bar.

Is your other cousin talking to your cute guy? Are they both laughing, reminiscing about the “disastrous Thanksgiving of ’98?” But, I mean, disastrous is a general term, lots of families have disasters around the holidays. Maybe they are talking about two completely different alcoholic Aunt Janets. Maybe you should order another whiskey ginger and wait this out.

5. His dad is your mom’s brother.

Now, this is a tricky one because it doesn’t always come up in conversation at a bar. We recommend asking to see a family tree, or maybe his ancestry.com login. It might make your first interaction a bit bumpy, sure, but that’s better than passing a crippling congenital disease on to your potential babies. Oh, also find out if he wants kids someday. If he doesn’t, forget this whole article and just see where the night goes, girl!


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please enjoy our jokes!

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