At Your Friend of a Friends Party
You were hesitant to go to your friend of a friend’s Cinco De Mayo party, but you agree to go for the guac and free beers. Turns out, 20 questions guy also decides to go. He enthusiastically introduces himself and then starts pulling out the extra creepy ice breaker questions. All before you’ve gotten your hands on a Corona. Good thing your straight face is a dead giveaway that you have absolutely no interest in talking to him, about topics like: “what rumor would you want someone to start about you?” or “what was the first illegal thing you did?” He swiftly moves on to creeping out the smiley girl, who just showed up to the party.
Walking Your Dog
Walking your dog anywhere in public can lead to countless people asking to pet your pooch. Meanwhile, all you’re trying to do is get your picky dog to find a spot to poop, so that you can make it to your brothers engagement party on time. You’re in charge of bringing the champagne and don’t want to let the bride to be down. Your dog gets easily distracted, and with every pet or “what a cute pupper” comment she is minutes farther from completing her duty! Now is the perfect time for that blank stare and slight frown to convey disinterest in every passerby’s stories about how they once fostered a dog, or that time they held a newborn puppy.
The Grocery Store
Going to the grocery store on a Sunday was a big mistake. Everyone is groping all the good fruit, and stopping in the middle of the narrow aisles to mull over their important cereal purchases. You’ve come prepared with a list and know exactly what you’re looking for. Weaving your way through the produce section, you pick up some bananas, seedless grapes and celery. Now making your way into the maze that is the pasta aisle, you realize people have no control of their carts! They leave them wherever they please, in an effort to hunt and gather their groceries faster. All you want is some angel hair pasta from the top shelf, but someone has abandoned their cart, smack dab where you need to be. Standing there you with your arms crossed and a straight face, you make eye contact with the perpetrator. She hustles back to her cart and apologizes as she pushes it aside. Perfect, now you can grab that pasta you’ve been eyeing.
Walking Home Alone
You decide to head home from a less than thrilling Tinder date. He took you out to some tapas restaurant and only talked about his fantasy football team the entire night. Your date doesn’t offer to give you a ride home, and it looks like Uber is surging prices. It’s a warm night so you decide to walk home alone. While heading home you run into a drunk couple, a guy out for a late night jog, and that one creepy townie. He is wearing a pair of ripped khaki cargo pants, a 1990’s era windbreaker, and a backwards hat. You hear him mumble something as he is walking towards you. Unsure of what he might have in one of those deep cargo pants pockets, you put on your resting bitch face. Clenching your jaw, you calmly pass the townie as he lights up a cigarette. He gives you the once over and moves along.
One afternoon while sitting home alone and binge watching the new season of your favorite show, you hear a knock on the door. Walking over to the front door you eagerly pull it open, thinking it’s that pizza you ordered. But when you hear the words “Would you be interested in learning more about the Mormon church?”, you quickly realize what a giant mistake you have made. There standing before you are two nerdily dressed 20 somethings, clutching the Book of Mormon with matching hopeful smiles on their faces. You’ve heard about this happening to your friends before and you are not interested in discussing religion right now. Quickly, you go from smiling to your more natural facial expression. Once the missionaries see your sudden lack of interest, they rapidly forget what they are talking about and start bickering between each other. This gives you the perfect opportunity to quietly close and lock your door.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!