6 Places Besides Canada to Consider Moving to if Trump Becomes President
By
August 24, 2016

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As anxieties grow over the increasing possibility of a Trump presidency, Americans everywhere have seriously begun looking into moving to America’s ally north of the border.  But is Canada really your best option for immigration?  Below I provide 6 other places that might be worth a closer look.

Swaziland:  Swaziland is a small country in the South African peninsula that I’m pretty sure Donald Trump has never heard of. Though still a monarchy with a long history of human rights violations, including the use of torture by local police, a deeply corrupt criminal justice system, and widespread outbreaks of the Ebola virus, you can rest assured knowing you won’t be blown up in an end of the world nuclear strike, as President Trump is defiantly unaware of your new home’s very existence to begin with. As I’m sure Trump has said at one point or another, “If I haven’t heard of it, it doesn’t exist.”*


Antarctica:  With global warming accelerating at a historic rate thanks to President Trump’s controversial decision to dissolve the EPA, Antarctica will soon become the Tropical Paradise you always dreamed about.  Florida has sunk into the Atlantic Ocean and California has long since broken off from the continent and gone up in flames, making Antarctica the new number one tourist/US refugee destination in the world.  But try to get there fast, as property values in the “Arctic” are sure to skyrocket from “practically worthless” to “can only be afforded by the CEO of the Trump Corporation”.

Mexico:  It won’t be long before we all realize the wall once built to keep Mexicans out has been re-purposed to keep Trumpmericans in.  I’ll give Trump credit where it’s due as Mexico does end up paying for the wall, once their own immigration problem gets out of control mere weeks into Trump’s presidency, when the Peso suddenly out values the dollar after Trump changes the primary currency to defunct Trump Taj Mahal Casino Chips.

A Panic Room:  Do you or a friend have a working Panic Room?  Did you begin construction on one once Trump was officially nominated at the RNC while you patiently waited for Ashton Kutcher to jump out of the wings in what you hoped was the greatest Punk’d episode of all time? If so, then all that’s left to do is collect at least 8 years worth of canned foods, reading materials, and board games to keep you entertained, as quality living in the US now resembles something close to the plot of “10 Cloverfield Lane”. 
 
The Democratic Republic of North Korea:  Why not move to the home of the United States’ newest ally and last remaining trade partner, The Democratic Republic of North Korea?  Why wait for America to figure out its new policies when you can live in the country that built the foundation for all US domestic and foreign policy moving forward?  Get a first hand look at what the US will soon become while enjoying slightly more lenient freedoms of speech.  If nothing else, North Korea’s government controlled media blackout will keep you blissfully unaware of the total collapse of your once beloved country.
 
The Planet Mars:  NASA is currently taking applications for a one way trip to Mars. What once seemed like the set up for a bad Science Fiction Horror film suddenly sounds like one of your best options for a new place to call home.  The Red Planet is sure to keep you safe from the Teflon Don for at least 4 more years, until Trump runs his reelection campaign on a policy of blowing up Mars, due to increasing fears of interplanetary immigration.

*He must have said something like that at some point, right?

 

 
 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 

 

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