1494809889_conversationHey! Congratulations, you like someone! AND you are sexually attracted to that person. Bummer! Those two things may seem pretty synonymous, but they aren’t. There are distinguishable differences between the two. Liking someone is a very special feeling, reserved for the pure and true. While sexual desire towards someone you deem attractive is repulsive and wicked.  Liking someone is  honestly one of the worst feelings in the world because somehow you will inevitably let your crush know you have feelings, and this can ruin everything. Sexual desire is awesome because when you’re super aroused and content, your body releases goo. And like honestly that’s so funny. It’s like glue from your body that you have to clean up. Usually the hardest part of liking someone is overcoming their personality. But don’t worry you can do it! I do it all the time. Another difficult thing to do is starting a good conversation with the person you’re into. So I’m going to do something nice and help you out. I’m going to give you several conversation starters to have when you are talking to someone that you want to have sex with based upon their personality type/ your situation.  A lot of these statements are ambitious, but they’ll get your message across in the most effective way.  Let’s put it this way: You like this person, and wanna smash, and I’m here to help you get it wet.(sunglasses emoji)  These conversation starters will help you regardless of gender. Here they are:

1. First Time You Meet Someone: Hey how are you? Nice. You’re insanely cute. When was the last time you came?

2. For Someone Who Travels: If you could cum anywhere, where would it be? And why is it my room?

3. For Someone Who is Outdoorsy: Oh me? Yea I love hiking, too. Almost as much as I love cumming.

4. For the  Intellectual: Yea, I love literature. My favorite writer is e.e. cummings. Did you know he never had an orgasm?

5. For the Overwhelmingly Hot Person: Hey do you want to cum in/on me?

6. For the Hollywood Exec Type: Alright, Double Dare 2000, but instead of getting slimed you get cum. And I am the person who gets to slime you.

7. For an Environmentalist: Hey why do trees make the air smell like cum once a year? Also, is honey bee cum?

There you have it. These are foolproof conversation starters that will help you find love and pleasure. Another thing to note is that you should always act cool. Being cool is always better than being honest or your true self. Be cool and everything will fall into place. Now go cum!


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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