I’ve been to Lima, Peru literally thousands of time. It’s the only place I travel to. I don’t want to “see the world.” I want to master traveling to one city. I am the master of Lima. I’ve learned all of its cracks and crevices. I’m ready to share them with the world.
You aren’t gonna find Machu Picchu on this list. You want my opinion on Machu Picchu? It’s a pile of trash on a mountain and for some reason it’s on everyone’s bucket list. Well I say keep it in the fucking bucket and burn it and then kick that bucket off a cliff into a pile of shit.
Anyway, here’s my list:
1. Eat Cheese with the Cheese Man.
In Southern Peru is Colca Canyon. At the bottom of the canyon you may come across, that’s right, the Cheese Man. He’s a bit hard to find but if you have the determination it’s well worth it. The Cheese Man is a real character and he won’t give you one piece of his cheese until you yell the word “Murder!” directly into his left ear. If you are willing to do this he will share with you all his wonderful cheeses as well as stories of his wife, the Wine Woman, who is not real.
2. Take a bike tour of a bike factory.
Every third Thursday of every third month a man named Jean Claude Bike Damme gives bike tours of the largest bike factory in Lima. This tour is not for the light hearted as you are riding through a working factory. It is over 100 degrees, the air quality index is hazardous to say the least, and factory workers will try to shove you into vats of molten metal. Though, if you make it to the end, Jean will give you a piece of Hitler’s bike. When I did it I got a piece of the bike chain.
3. Kiss the mouth of the Earth.
In Tucume, also known as the Valley of the Pyramids, is the mouth of the earth. There is literally a mouth in the ground. A pair of lips stick up out of the dirt. You can kneel down and kiss them. I don’t know whose lips they are.
4. Visit Sister Filma at the Underground Cathedral and let her read you a book from her shelf.
About a two-hour drive north of the city is the Volcano de Vaghetti. Many tourists hike the beautiful ‘cano, but not many go inside of it. At the east end of the Volcano is the Cueva Bebe or the Baby Cave. The entrance is so small that only a child could enter. Luckily I was born double jointed and with Osteotractiss Sydrome, which causes my bones to be flexible and worm-like. Anyway, if you manage to wiggle into the cave, you’ll enter a massive cavern housing the Underground Cathedral. There you will meet Sister Filma. She will lead you to her office and point to her shelf for you to choose a book. She only has the first two Harry Potters and a cook book. I suggest you pick HP-2. Anyway, she’ll read you a book and then tell you why you are going to hell.
5. Drink Bist with the Unknowns!
This one might be my favorite on the list. I was in the Barranco district wandering back to my hotel at 4 a.m. I started to get lost and took a wrong turn. All of a sudden time jumped and the sun was out. I took out my phone to see what time it was and discovered over 30 videos of myself taking shots of a drink called Bist with people who were not completely human. Their skin looked like gravel. I call them the “Unknowns” and I have no idea what they are or how to find them again.
6. Drive In Reverse through Garf’s crops
Garf is some guy from New Zealand with a farm outside of Lima. For some reason he lets people drive their cars through his crops in reverse. He charges one dollar for thirty minutes of reverse driving, which is an insane deal. Sometimes I ask him why he lets people do this and he just responds by saying, “Uncle buck is my favorite movie.” Uncle Buck is all he talks about. You can say anything to him and he will bring it back to Uncle Buck. So make sure to check this one off your list.
7. Be Bad at a Restaurant
All the restaurants in Lima suck. So why not be bad at one? Pick a restaurant and get a table. Spill your drinks, push your food to the floor, and insult the staff. Time how long you can be bad before you get kicked out. Do this at several restaurants and see who is the most tolerant of your childish behavior. Record the times of each restaurant in a spread sheet. Print out that spreadsheet and put it in your travel journal. Now you have something to always remember your trip to Lima by!
Thank you all for reading and don’t forget… travel light ;)
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