I can’t overemphasize the importance of getting an early start every day. As leader of this new family, I have to set a good example. Things were pretty lax when I came on board, but little by little they’re learning how to do things the right way—the Ranger Way!

4:30am           Up and at ‘em. Time to for an early workout! Run three circles around the woman’s side of the bed and pee on the rug.

4:40am           Head to the kitchen for breakfast. Knock over my food and water then return to the woman’s side of the bed whimpering that I’m starving.

4:50am           Find the cat’s litter box and go for a morning roll. It’s best for an important puppy like me to look and smell fresh.

5:10am           Organize toys according to rope length or bone texture. Make sure squeaky chipmunk toys and squeaky Mr. Squirrel are ready for action.

5:20am           Run from room to room waking up the two girls and man so they can play with me in the living room. Those squeaky toys won’t play with themselves!

6:00am           Go outside to take the man for a walk. Some of the smells are fairly engaging. I may need to set up a spreadsheet to organize the smells and get my people on the same page. As a puppy, I remain laser focused on the business of the day, never letting my attention stray—oh boy, leaves!

6:30am           Back inside to pee on the rug.

6:50am           Eat a light, yet refined protein blast of eggs that I’ve knocked from the woman’s plate and crumbs that I found under the table from last night.

7:15am           Attend important conference with the two girls. Memo to self; assemble a killer PowerPoint presentation on the need to synthesize the return of Mr. Squirrel to the girls after they throw it across the room

7:25am           Run around the living room and dining room three times.

7:35am           Poop on the floor just to the right of the piddle pad. I’ve been assured by HR the man prefers it that way.

7:45am           Nap on the couch.

The middle of the day is when I like to do my most creative work. Product development, that’s what gets me the most jazzed. I strive to pass that energy to my new workmates so together we can maximize our efforts.

11:30am        Wake up and stretch. Accept pets from girls on the nose and belly, then fart. By the girls’ reactions, they seem as relieved by this latest move as I am. Climb down from couch and pee on rug. The woman has requested a conference to discuss the rugs. For me, that’s always been a non-starter, but perhaps I need to keep an open mind. Even as her supervisor, maybe I can learn some new peeing techniques from her as well.

12:00pm        Time for some paperwork; gnaw on the woman’s book she’s been staring at for more than five seconds. Grab some napkins from the trash and chew them up under the table. Chomp on scarf dangling from coat rack, described by the man as hand-made by his late aunt and irreplaceable. Man seems strangely out of sorts. If it’s irreplaceable, then it’s better that I chew on it and make it a toy. That’s a key component to our company’s business plan this quarter. I may need to revisit that point during his yearly review.

12:20pm        Attend another meeting with Mister Squirrel regarding the squeaky chipmunks. I was hoping I could delegate some herding responsibilities, unfortunately, some of the girls’ pajama bottoms don’t have nipped holes below the knee.

12:30pm        Chew on the chair leg in the dining room. The woman claims it’s a family heirloom, which is an exciting discovery for me. As she explains the ins-and-outs of this antique furniture market, I pee on the rug.

1:00pm          Lunchtime. It’s a working lunch, as Mister Squirrel and I review his recent marketing activities and break open this marvelous bag of dog food. I suppose I could wait to eat it from a bowl, but in the business world, no one ever remembers who came in second.

1:30pm          The woman and man call a meeting to discuss finances. It’s about time they got on the ball. There are times I feel I’m the only one working around here. As their discussion ebbs and flows in volume, I drowsily fall asleep on the pile of food.

3:30pm          I wake up. I’m all alone. The man, the woman, and the girls have disappeared forever. Clearly, if they are not in view, they can’t be anywhere I can even imagine. It is time solemnly remember the good times we shared, and pee on the rug.

4:30pm          Mister Squirrel and I sing a duet he’s been working on, lamenting the pain and suffering we feel. There is pounding at the door. Clearly, someone else agree there will be no reunion. Forever.

5:30pm          Reunited, and it feel so good! It’s Ranger Time! The people are back! All of them! I celebrate by yelling out loud. And peeing on the rug. They celebrate by presenting me with another squeaky friend! Mr. Busy Bee, you are incorrigible!

6:30pm          As the people meet over dinner to discuss other great ways we can work together. Mr. Busy Bee and I review our backgrounds under the table and look at how we should set our goals. I fart again and receive some very positive feedback.

A puppy’s work is never done. Loser animals like parakeets and gerbils punch out at 5 every day. Clockwatchers! Rodents and birds! Burning the late evening oil can make all the difference in this dog-eat-dog-food world.

7:30pm          In an important follow-up meeting with the girls, a series of bows, hats, and antlers are placed on my head. My ears are scratched, we watch YouTube videos involving dancing otters, and I am told I am cute.

8:00pm          The woman and man take me for a walk outside. I have a chance to rub paws with some of the high-rolling dogs in the neighborhood; Bogsie, Martini, Lawanda, and Fritz. Their resumes and smells are impressive.

8:30pm          We return home and I pee on the rug.

9:30pm          It’s time to reflect on the day. I’m hoping Mr. Busy Bee has what it takes. We agree to meet with the woman around 2:00am to strategize new paradigms for success. I’m confident this Ranger Way of management has made a big impression on her, and that will be the perfect time to go over future steps.


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!