Summer’s in full swing, which means now’s the time to find that perfect summer drink to keep you cool and help take your mind off your work week/past crimes. Here’s a list of a few refreshing cocktails that are sure to make you the hit of the barbecue!

bloody mary

Ginger Shandies

Want a crisp twist on cold beer? Try this mix of Hoegaarden, ginger beer and zesty lemon slices. This cocktail’s tangy zip is sure to light up your tastebuds so much that the night you held that drifter underwater will feel like it happened to someone else! Serve in small glasses. 

Mango-Peach Fizz

Everyone deserves a little taste of the tropics–everyone except your victim, whom you barely conceived of as human! Mix pureed mango and peach with peach schnapps and champagne. You’ll feel like you’re kicking back on a sandy beach somewhere–but hopefully not the beach where you buried that drifter!

Fresh Mint Margaritas

Here’s a fun take on a classic that will have you screaming, “Que delicioso!” louder than the screams echoing in your mind. In the bottom of a large pitcher, crush together mint and salt. Add ice, tequila, lime juice, and Triple Sec, stirring as vigorously as the faceless man clawed at your arms, bewildered by your seemingly random actions.


Don’t overcomplicate it: it’s hot out, you’re having those dreams again, and there’s a bottle of vodka in the freezer. Finish it in one go! Tell no one.

Watermelon Martini

Watermelon Pucker, citrus vodka, and triple sec turn this classic into a sweet treat. The only thing dirty about this martini is how sinfully tasty it is, and the only thing dirty about you is your immortal soul!

Berry Mojito

In a tall glass, add sugar and lime juice to crushed mint. Stir while throwing in Bacardi, Chambord, and blue Curaçao.Top with club soda. While slicing lime wedges for your garnish, try cutting open your thumb to feel something, anything. Now that’s pain (and flavor) you can control!


Not only are the ingredients always easy to find, drinking the blood of the innocent is the only way your thirst can truly be quenched! Guzzle responsibly.


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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