Men: it’s that time of year again! December’s here and people around the country are ditching their sweaters for overcoats, beanies for night caps, and cozy love handles for a gaunt, gnarled Scrooge bod! Here are some tips to get that iconic gangly figure and stingy countenance, so that everyone will be just begging to have you under their mistletoe.
Tip #1 – Make a dream board
We all know that the most effective means of achieving one’s goals is slapping some inspirational words and images onto a makeshift tri-fold like a desperate 4th grader preparing for a science fair. Your Scrooge bod requires this same dedication to arts and crafts! Make sure to hit all the biggies: bushy brows, flasher overcoat, and most importantly, knobby knuckles to more effectively withhold change from desperate strangers.
Tip #2 – Lay off the ice cream and your struggling staff
Think this Dad bod is just going magically downsize itself? Think again! If you’re trying to go from daddy paunch to staunch tightwad, you’re going to need to lay off the sweets, as well as your already underpaid assistant. Staying away from the wrong kinds of fats and taking back what’s rightfully yours is essential, no matter how much you crave a big hunk of that Coffee Heath Bar Crunch or how desperately your employee needs this job to get medical care for his ailing son because he lives in a country with an absolutely batshit medical insurance system.
Tip #3 – Don’t get confused and glue feathers to yourself to become Scrooge McDuck from DuckTales
This would be a huge, but not unsurprising, bungle! The monocle-sporting Scrooge McDuck is an avian bastardization of our body goals, Dickens’s gorgeous moneygrubber, and though McDuck notoriously withholds money in much the same way as our hero, he is a squat, plump waterfowl who can’t match Scrooge’s lithe, geometric angles. While we’re on the topic of Scrooge imitators, let me just say that the Grinch is a freakish fraud who steps on Santa’s turf, which is the least cool thing to do during Christmas time. Saint Nick’s nowhere near my favorite Holiday patriarch, but he’s certainly better than any walking-carpet fuckwhistle. Any sensible boy this holiday season will stay in their rail-thin lane.
Tip #4 – Tapeworm time!
Men, I know you aren’t used to watching what you eat, so we’re going to take a SHORTCUT! This parasite will consume any junk food you shove down your gullet, so you can maintain your grubby lifestyle and still get stabbing cheekbones and razor elbows in no time flat! Now, it might seem anti-Scrooge to willingly feed a pathetic freeloader, but it is classic Ebeneezer to get something to depend on you and then remove all support quickly and violently. To motivate yourself further, name your tapeworm after your assistant’s youngest child (Minute Marcus) to remind yourself that children are nothing but leeches on the wealth of their parents. Apparently this weight loss method is “illegal in America” and can lead to “abdominal pain, constipation, and bloating,” but do I see any of those words on your dream board? No, I just see “Gaunt AF Sexy Miser.”
Tip #5 – Develop a Scrooge voice
If you really want to go the extra mile, you’re going to need a gravelly voice to complement your dangerously lean, pennypinching meatsuit. Some blogs say smoke 40 cigarettes a day to quickly achieve the classic, grating snarl, but we recommend verbalizing your objective by repeatedly shrieking “CRONE!” at passersby until your voice gives. For real devotees, induce a cold (made easier due to your tapeworm-weakened immune system) so you can have a snot-stuffed schnoz, lending a nasally accent to your rasp. Now you’re ready to “Bah Humbug” with the best!
Tip #6 – Stick to Pre-Transformation Ebeneezer
Paramount. Make sure you aren’t lulled into the lovey dovey gobbledy gook that makes the rounds every year. Scrooge bod should NOT be accompanied by a giving, noxiously grateful mentality. Think about it for a millisecond. Does Scrooge mean a boring, generous person, or a fucking badass shrewd skinflint who’s not afraid to screw the little man to win both life and the jealousy of your fellow men this Christmas season? Leave the giving to the obese wunderkind spendthrift, Chris Cringle.
Tip #7 – Cut out trans fats and persnickety Jacob Marley’s
This one is a MUST DO. I can’t tell you how many dedicated acolytes have come to resemble a an unraveled wire coat hanger, in body and mind, only to have a dead former coworker materialize at their doorstep, chained to money boxes in a gag-inducing, on-the-nose display of the “dangers of greed.” This allegorical fuckwad then of course summons a posse of do-good, meddling ghosts to brainwash sensible savers into blowing all their cash for some terminally ill kid who’s gonna die soon anyway.
So what are you waiting for? There’s no time like the Christmas Present to become a spindly cheapskate!
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