1. Fornication 

Miss Piggy is the Muppet known for her lust of Kermit, who also has also severed his soul from grace. The Pig has committed lewd sexual acts with the Frog, having been cursed with the libido of ten men and no ability to purge herself of such faculties. Although sins of the flesh are less grievous than sins of the soul, we must hold the Pig to a higher standard of character than others, for she is a Muppet. The Muppet, though pure and chaste, may not resist enacting the work of the devil. If they cannot be godly, what chance does humankind stand?

2. Vanity

Statler and Waldorf are the two wrinkled men who consistently pervert that which make humans more akin to God himself – holiness and dignity. Their constant patronization of their fellow Muppet and absence of humility are directly opposed to God. As Christ said “he who is without sin may cast the first stone”, yet Statler and Waldorf have placed themselves so high in their balcony seats that no stone may ever reach them. As Muppets, these two should know the greatest crime of man is the insolent contempt of thy neighbor. Pride goeth before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. 

3. Gluttony 

As so it is that the Swedish Chef has fallen victim to the sin of overindulgence in his constant preparation of needless food.  He taunts the poor with his wastefulness, crying “Bork, bork, bork” as he intentionally destroys, burns, or otherwise manipulates food to be non consumable for the sake of performance. It is a defect to eat, like beasts, through the sole motive of sensual gratification, and without any reasonable object. As much as it is a sin to find joy in the wanton destruction of bread and meat. As a member of the Muppets, the Chef has a duty to enact the philosophy of God, which is to give to those who are needy. Rather, he destroys in vain with a sickly smile on his twisted and evil face.  

4. Drunkenness 

It has been found that Animal, the wildest of all the Muppets, has subjected himself to the perils of drunkenness. Animal is the physical manifestation of pure intrinsic chaos, a carnivorous beast with an unbridled appetite for destruction. It is of no surprise to us that this monster would give in to the temptation of sin, as it is through pride that the devil became the devil. The Muppets should be strong, models of self-restraint that society may look towards for hope and aspiration. The burden of this is too great for the Animal to undertake.

5. Sloth

The purpose that is given to the Fozzie Bear is to be a clown, a jester, an entertainer. Yet, we see that the Bear is ineffective in his duties time and time again. He is defined by his affectlessness, a lack of want to respect the duties that God has given him as a herdsman of the pure. He has given rise to his own boredom, rancor, a passive and sluggish meditation as he cries to the heavens “Wocka, wocka!” For he has been corrupted by complacency and animosity towards God, He who bestowed the Bear with life. The Bear must be our source of recreation, but he is filled with apathy.

6. Sorcery 

The yellow, bespectacled scientist known as Bunsen Honeydew creates the uncreatable, laughing in the face of God as he does his satanic work. His want for what has not been created by his creator has plunged him deep into the mire of this world, so that he makes it to be his respite.  As a Muppet, Bunsen Honeydew should praise the God that created him, the God that sent him to Earth to be spread his word. Honeydew so demands to be the creator of the universe that he dare question that choices of God himself, a dangerously corrupt selfishness that will mislead others that have the same misfortune as the Beaker. 

7. Beastiality 

Gonzo, the Muppet of unknown origin, desires not only fornication but to commit the act with poultry. As we all know, unforgiven souls of the sin of lust are blown about in restless hurricane-like winds symbolic of their own lack of self-control to their lustful passions in earthly life. Gonzo, the most disgusting and ineffably sinful of the Muppets, will indeed suffer for his misdeeds in the afterlife. His desire is a mortal sin, an unforgivable one. In his suffering he will cry “But God I was a Muppet, I was one of the chosen. Does that mean nothing to you?”, and He will say “I gave you the opportunity to be the shepherd of my word, but instead you chose to fornicate with the chicken woman. You will now burn.” This once morally infallible child of God is now as evil the devil himself.



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 

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