It’s been nearly a year since Donald Trump was elected and you entered this fiery, tumultuously passionate relationship with your local representative. Through the bad and worse, you’ve formed an unbreakable bond. Naturally, after any extended period of time spent bugging an elected official to vote ethically, though, the spark can start to fizzle. Save your panic for the protests! Use these quick tips to put the “fun” back in “many Americans’ fundamental rights are at stake, what are you waiting for, dummy?”
1. Share Your Deepest Fantasies
Sure, you’ve now told your representative your most basic wants, but is there anything you’ve been too embarrassed to share? Don’t be afraid to tell them that literally nothing gets you hotter than Congress acknowledging the looming threat of global warming. Work up to telling them what you only think about when you’re alone in your bedroom: impeachment. That should perk up their ears!
2. Tap Into Your Animal Instincts
After a long day in Congress, your representative may be all talked out without much left to say. Never let work get in the way! If your rep looks tired, tap into your primal instincts and scream as loud as you can in their face and/or ears. If you’re having trouble tapping into your inner beast, just remember that in less than 6 months, former Secretary of Health and Human Services Tom Price spent more than a million dollars of your tax money on private flights. That’ll get you growling in no time!
3. Get Another Person Involved
Even if your representative loves you, it’s natural for him to wonder about all the other constituents out there depend on him. So, next time there’s an abhorrent Obamacare repeal passing through Congress, why not change it up with a 3-way call? Invite a friend at risk of losing her healthcare to hop on the line and blow your representative’s mind with a gut-wrenching tale of the crippling medical debt that made her turn to a life of erotic dancing and the pre-existing conditions that make it hard for her to succeed in the field.
4. Try Putting Your Pinkie Finger In Their Butt
As long as you have their consent, this one typically adds excitement to even the most stagnant relationship! Everyone loves butt stuff once they try it, trust me.
5. Don’t Be Afraid To Play Rough
Has your representative done something bad recently? Maybe they need a little rough play to get them in the mood to vote against the President? Don’t be afraid to mention the whips and chains you keep in the basement next time you get on the horn. Make sure not to leave a voicemail, though, because threatening a government official is still a felony punishable by up to five years in prison.
6. Send Them NSFW Pictures When They Least Expect It
Even if your representative claims to be “too busy to talk,” it’s important to keep them titillated and on the edge. Nothing will get their mind racing about all the work left to do like a short clip of disaster porn. Puerto Rico, Houston or Florida – as long as it’s footage of thousands of people without vital resources and electricity, it’ll remind them of our lackluster Congressional efforts to help American territories quickly rebound from natural disasters. Send enough footage and you’ll have your representative screaming “Climate change is real!” in no time.
7. Extort Them
If nothing else can revive your relationship with a local representative, remember: you’re working with an elected official! Odds are high they have a deep, dark secret stashed somewhere on the Internet. Do a little independent research! Start a fake Twitter account and ask them to send you crotch shots. Once you have what you need, get back in touch and remind them it’d be a shame if the general public found out about their infidelity, misappropriation of public funds or culturally insensitive Halloween costume! Once they’re in your pocket, they’ll never stop paying utmost attention to your political wants and needs.
8. Two Pinkies In Their Butt
You’ve got two of em’ anyway! You’re going to have to pull out all the stops to make this work until at least the midterm elections!
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