What to Do If You’re a Millionaire
(and you’re stuck in the past)

Oh perfect, you made it! Last week we talked about how to become a millionaire if you get stuck in the past. This week we’re going to talk about why.

Before we get to that, a word of warning that I probably should have passed along earlier. I have been doing some research and discovered a lot of people in different eras who were put to death while raving about their ideas for ridiculously era-inappropriate inventions. Let’s stop inventing the lightbulb before electricity, folks.

If you’ve got a sharp memory and you’re something of an historical daredevil, you can take the Benjamin Franklin approach and attempt to do everything interesting on two continents. If you’re well-liked, the eccentricity will be overlooked, and your constant, improbable stream of inventions will be taken as a sign of genius. If you’re less fortunate, however, I should take this opportunity to point out that the Rob Schultz Timeschool of Retro-Chronal Success (or RoSToRS) does not officially accept any responsibility or blame for the events presently referred to as the “Salem Witch Trials.”

My tip to you: maybe play it close to the vest. We’re all about keeping you alive in the past as long as possible, and for every Alexander the Great there are dozens of John Who Was Put To Death By Heavy Rockses.

Of course, if you don’t use your future-past wealth to warn as many people as possible about impending disasters and save as many lives as possible, you are a monster. You might not be able to prevent the Titanic from leaving port, or the Hindenburg from leaving sky-port, but every little bit helps. (Whichever one of you saved Seth McFarlane, it seems a little selfish of you to have only saved him, but I suppose the previous point stands.)

Obviously, how you spend your money is going to depend on the era in which you find yourself, but if you find yourself in the 18th-20th centuries, may I recommend challenging a gentleman of honor not unlike yourself to a race around the world?

In 1928, for instance, a race around the world would have been the adventure of a lifetime. In our present, it’s really just a question of who possesses a valid passport, about $800 + applicable taxes and fees, and the ability to remain in a seated position for most of 48 hours. You and I could both turn to the Internet and book seats on the same flight(s). At that point, it’s just a question of who has a seat closer to the front of the plane. A first-class ticket is a win. So even today, racing around the globe is a sport of the rich, but it’s a lot less exciting than it used to be.

Heed the Timeschool motto and Be Prepared! Take a current American dollar with you to the past, identify another “self-made” millionaire who will recognize it, and issue them a proper challenge. When I get the chance, I plan to spice it up by including the publicity rights to any one curiosity of the winner’s choice from any and all cases of natural history collected in the circumnavigatory adventure.

Looking for something more fun to do in the dark ages than preach the gospel of lightbulbs? Well lucky for you that my Timeschool is enrolling for new classes today! Classes meet twice a week for eight weeks, or all sixteen sessions in one calendar day for students with working time shift devices! Sign up by opening a bank account in the name of the school a few hundred years ago. As soon as we discover such an account, we will use the funds to have built the school by now.


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!