By Staff*

Agoraphoba-con

DEFCON 5
Wrongly attended by military fans, was actually a meeting of Def Comedy Jam enthusiasts.

Con Man Con
Budget was stolen.

The Long Con
Too long.

The National Convention Of People Who Only Think Puppies Are OK (more…)

By Staff*

Dear Mrs. Simmons,

I’m writing to inform you that your child, James Miller-Simmons, was caught talk-singing during science class. Yeah, like the guy from Cake. This is unacceptable. Look, regular singing at least has some art to it, but talk-singing is as lazy as it gets.

Yes, I know Lou Reed did it. He’s the only exception to this. And it’s not like he did it that much. A few songs, a cult following and he washed his hands of it. James, on the other hand, has already amassed a catalogue of songs that, were they to contain even an ounce of synergy between melody and lyrics, would be a sign of genius. But as it stands, I fear for the boy’s financial well-being and social status.  (more…)

By Robin Higgins

Is Your Love For a Precious Metal Ruining Your Ability to Emotionally Connect to Others?

Severe Eye Injuries: Hide Under an Eye Patch or Show Off Your Scar with Pride?

Bringing Your White Fluffy Cat to Work: Comforting to You, Creepy to Others

How Long is Too Long to Wait to Drink Your Can of Oil if You’ve Been Left to Die in the Desert?

Can Workplace Nicknames Cause Real Harm? Our Guests Jaws, Nick Nack, and Oddjob Finally Confront Their Bosses

Remember to Bite Down Hard: The Unpleasant Aftereffects of Improper Cyanide Pill Usage

Worse Than Crocodile Tears: Our Guest Today Cries Tears of Blood!

By Robin Higgins, Lewis Sequeira, Rye Silverman and Paige Weldon

Below is a series of puns about sandwiches. Above are the writers who would like to apologize for them.

Q: What’s a coward’s favorite sandwich?
A: Chicken and Yellow Mustard

Q: What’s Harry Potter’s favorite condiment?
A: Expelliarmustard

Q: Why does Steven Wright only use one piece of wax paper for his sandwiches?
A: He likes one-liners (more…)

By Robin Higgins

NeNe Leakes

Full of sass and rage
your enemies are many
but I think ur great

Kandi Burruss

You won a grammy
and have actual talent
why be on housewives? (more…)