I know this is kind of cheesy, but it was my birthday recently and I got a particularly sweet email from my mom. I just wanted to share it online. (Thanks for indulging me!)
Subject: Happy Birthday!
Happy 28th Birthday Sam!
We’re so proud of you! It seems like just yesterday you were putting your hand in your Ninja Turtles cake at your 4th birthday party. Do you remember your 10th birthday party when you got stuck in the ball pit at Chuck E Cheese? You told us to just leave you there! Haha, that was great. I think of all of your parties, I actually remember your 7th birthday party as my favorite. Do you remember that? We were at your Great Aunt Donna’s house, God rest her soul. Your sister was starting to really talk, and probably best of all we were all there together as a family.
(Another great thing about 1994: No cell phones! We all just talked, can you believe it?) ;)
You had just blown out the candles on your cake when a voice came on the television, “OJ appears to be holding a gun to his head. He wants to go to his mother’s house,” and I thought, “OJ? OJ Simpson? The football guy from The Buffalo Bills? From the Naked Gun movies?” I parked myself in front of the TV and sure enough, it WAS OJ Simpson from the Naked Gun Movies! Apparently his ex-wife and her boyfriend, some guy named Ron Goldman, were murdered–and OJ probably did it! And get this: the ex wife and her boyfriend were white! I thought, America is gonna explode! Rodney King, now this?!? Oh man. But then another thing hit me: OJ was barreling down the highway with a gun to his head and his driver, a man we believed to be Al Cowlings, clearly had no gameplan! None whatsoever! No end game baby! We were gonna watch, on LIVE FUCKING TV a famous probable murderer kill himself or get in a shootout or some other dope ass third thing I couldn’t even comprehend! What an event! We were glued to the TV for hours, speculating and speculating. I mean, seriously can you even imagine how it went down? He probably caught Ron and Nicole getting it on and then just went bananas! Can you imagine the humiliation? And then he just LOSES it! Jeeze Louise!
And now he’s saying HE WON’T BE TAKEN ALIVE! Holy fucking Dan Quail are you SERIOUS? WHAT NEXT IS MICHAEL JORDAN GONNA BOMB THE WORLD TRADE CENTER? Is CAL RIPKIN GONNA EAT A HUMAN CHILD? ARE ATHLETES ALL SOCIOPATHS? ARE SOCIOPATHS ALL ATHLETES? COULD CHARLES MANSON DUNK? REALITY IS INSANE!! I got so excited I kind of blacked out the next part, which according to your father either you or your sister grabbed my pant leg and said ‘something something my birthday something’ and I shook whoever it was and yelled “Seriously?!?! You’re gonna have a million of these birthdays! When else are we gonna see a famous guy blow his fucking brains out on live TV in the middle of the 405! I’m gonna go to the water cooler on Monday and talk about your 7th BIRTHDAY?!?!? YEAH RIGHT DUDE GROW UP!”
At that point I woke up on the couch–your Great Aunt Donna had rightfully hit me in the head with a lamp because I was too juiced. Haha juice, get it? Anyway, I hope you remember that as fondly as I did and we’ll see you at your sister’s in August.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!