I am here to today to confess something I deeply regret doing. I hope this piece inspires some of you to make a confession of you own.
When in elementary school I experienced many fads. Pokémon, Yo-yo’s and Pogs amongst many others.
In the 3rd grade I walked into the lunch room one day to find all of my friends gathered in a circle.
What I found was like no other fad I had experienced.
It was the apple fad. Not the computer.
They were all gathered around comparing, polishing… trading apples.
Fujis, Granny Smiths, Golden Delicious, Red Delicious, Braeburns. You name it. And of course, I was there with no apple like some kind of aimless moron lacking purpose and passion.
I went home that day and BEGGED my mom to buy me an apple. She finally caved and bought me a Hardy Cumberland when I threatened to throw myself off the roof.
Walked into the lunchroom the next day at school and I was the “Belle of the Ball” to say the least. All the other boys swarmed me.
“Is that a Hardy Cumberland?”
“Adam! Let me hold it for just one second!”
“Ill trade you 10 Braeburns for it!”
I told them all to shut their mouths and get out of my personal space.
They were like a bunch of worms trying to feed off my coolness.
For one moment I was the most popular kid in school.
That is until Carrot Johnson walked in flaunting a Bardsey Island Apple, the only apple variety from the Celtic Welsh heartland.
And just like that – my moment in the limelight was gone. I became jealous of Carrot.
I hated him. The only reason he could afford a Bardsey was because his dad worked at the big bank downtown. If my dad worked at the big bank downtown I could afford one too.
But my dad didn’t work at the big bank downtown.
I began stalking Carrot for months. Learned everything about him.
His class schedule, grades, address, closest friends…
I knew when he had to take a piss.
Most importantly, I knew his locker combination.
Stayed late after school one day and stole the Bardsey right out of his locker. That night I rode my bike to Carrot’s house, put the apple on his front porch, and set it on fire.
Not with a normal yellow fire though, but with a silver demonic flame.
Carrot’s mom came outside and screamed. She tried to put out the flame, but you can’t just PUT OUT a demonic flame.
She caught fire herself. Her screams beckoned Carrot’s dad who rushed over to put out his wife, but he caught fire as well.
These are not the type of flames that kill you, but the type that turn a human mind into a demonic one.
I took Carrot’s parents. They became my minions.
His dog too. I placed my hand on its head and funneled my demonic brainwashing energy directly into its cranium.
The apple was gone and his family mine.
I strutted into the lunch room the next day flashing my Cumberland, but nobody cared.
All the boys surrounded Carrot, consoling him as he cried.
“They’re all gone! My mom, my dad, my dog… my Bardsey!”
It was at that moment I realized my evil ways.
Carrot eventually lost his mind and had to drop out of 3rd grade to check into a mental institution.
Nobody ever found out who kidnapped Carrot’s entire family or more importantly who took the Bardsey from his locker.
But I am here today to confess. I warped the minds of Carrot’s dog and parents.
I stole the Bardsey, Carrot. I did. I confess.
Please forgive me because I can never forgive myself.
If this story has inspired any of you to confess something you’ve always held secret please email me at IVEDONEBADTHINGS@Gmail.com.
Thank you for your time.
The Higgs Weldon is an online humor magazine with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was founded in the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!