Awake to the melodic soothing tones of my IV drip bag pumping Stumptown’s latest cold brew directly into my arteries. Open my eyes to greet the day.
My exotic dark roasted beans have arrived from Ecuador and I grind them whilst sipping a blonde roast that my blonde and extremely sexy assistant Calvin brought me from Peet’s on Sunset aka the only good Peet’s in the city.
The beans have been ground and I whip myself up a pour over, slide the brew into a carafe and head out. My hands are shaking along with Calvin’s head when I ask him if he wants to take our relationship to the next level. No biggie I’ll try again tomorrow.
Arrive at the office and get acquainted with a good old fashioned cup of joe that has been placed on my desk in my favorite mug.
Awake in a panic from a caffeine blackout.
Head to the office kitchen and chug a cup of what turns out to be decaf which I promptly spit into Calvin’s gorgeous mouth. Proceed to chug two cups of regular coffee just to get back to neutral.
Lunch time. Vanilla latte with a side of espresso beans. Yum.
Awake from a little afternoon cat nap to insert a syringe filled with a Blue Bottle Cappuccino into my most prominent vein.
Exhausted by the events of the work day and the thought of Calvin’s abs, I decide to head out.
Meet my friend Isabel at a new coffee spot that just opened up in the foothills of the San Fernando valley. We crawl through a secret underground passage where we meet Ricky, a Guatemalan Coffee Whisperer who blesses a batch of java, which he then vaporizes. He leads us into a small cave, shuts us in with rocks, and we let the the vapors of the devil’s lavender infuse itself into our systems.
Catch a flick at the Arclight. Picture Calvin in every role.
Calvin brings me my final drink of the day. I take a shot of a bone dry americano out of his belly button. I can now go to sleep satisfied and Calvin can put that on his resume under special skills.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!