6:32 a.m.
Awake to the melodic soothing tones of my IV drip bag pumping Stumptown’s latest cold brew directly into my arteries. Open my eyes to greet the day.

7:01 a.m.
My exotic dark roasted beans have arrived from Ecuador and I grind them whilst sipping a blonde roast that my blonde and extremely sexy assistant Calvin brought me from Peet’s on Sunset aka the only good Peet’s in the city.

7:05 a.m.
The beans have been ground and I whip myself up a pour over, slide the brew into a carafe and head out. My hands are shaking along with Calvin’s head when I ask him if he wants to take our relationship to the next level. No biggie I’ll try again tomorrow.

8:07 a.m.
Arrive at the office and get acquainted with a good old fashioned cup of joe that has been placed on my desk in my favorite mug.

11:10 a.m.
Awake in a panic from a caffeine blackout.

11:14 a.m.
Head to the office kitchen and chug a cup of what turns out to be decaf which I promptly spit into Calvin’s gorgeous mouth. Proceed to chug two cups of regular coffee just to get back to neutral.

12:30 p.m.
Lunch time. Vanilla latte with a side of espresso beans. Yum.

4:33 p.m.
Awake from a little afternoon cat nap to insert a syringe filled with a Blue Bottle Cappuccino into my most prominent vein.

5:07 p.m.
Exhausted by the events of the work day and the thought of Calvin’s abs, I decide to head out.

6:30 p.m.
Meet my friend Isabel at a new coffee spot that just opened up in the foothills of the San Fernando valley. We crawl through a secret underground passage where we meet Ricky, a Guatemalan Coffee Whisperer who blesses a batch of java, which he then vaporizes. He leads us into a small cave, shuts us in with rocks, and we let the the vapors of the devil’s lavender infuse itself into our systems.

9:56 p.m.
Catch a flick at the Arclight. Picture Calvin in every role.

12:02 a.m.
Calvin brings me my final drink of the day. I take a shot of a bone dry americano out of his belly button. I can now go to sleep satisfied and Calvin can put that on his resume under special skills.


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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