A Deal with the Devil (and an Idiot)
By
April 2, 2014

“Hello, it is I, Lucifer. The Devil, as you may know me.”

“What? What’re you doing here, bro?”

“I have come for your soul.”

“Well, I don’t know, dude. I didn’t really know my soul was up for grabs.”

“‘Up for grabs’ is not necessarily the case. I was looking to make a deal.”

“A deal? Why would The Devil want to make a deal with me?”

“You have never heard of making a deal with The Devil?”

“No.”

“Not ever? It’s a common expression and concept. You have never seen it in a movie even?”

“Like, what movie?”

“Oh, I don’t know. I did not mean any specific film, but rather the expression of ‘seeing something in a movie…”

“Don’t know that expression, either.”

“You have never heard of ‘seen it in a movie’ either?”

“Gimme an example.”

“Fine, a common movie scene is the scene where a sports coach gives a big speech to rally the players. As in, we’ve all seen ‘that’ in a movie.”

“I know that scene. It’s in a lot of movies.”

“Yes, exactly. Hence the expression. That aside, I would like to make a deal with you.”

“What, like you want to pay me for something? I can fabricate surfboards. You looking for a new stick? I’ll hook you up.”

“No, I do not need a new stick.”

“It’s a tight stick. You can never have too many tight sticks. That’s what my friend Kale says.”

“No, thank you, I do not surf. So, tell me, what would you desire? You give me your soul and I do something for you.”

“Um, well, off the top of my head, I’ll give you my soul, for, um… for…um…um, if you eat an entire jar of mayonnaise.”

“Mayonnaise?”

“A whole jar. I tried to get Kale to eat a jar of mayonnaise for $10, but he refused. So, maybe you can do it. Full disclosure, you might barf.”

“You are asking me to take your soul—the entire spirit of your being—so you can watch me eat mayonnaise? I can’t believe I’m saying this, but, come on now, think of something else.”

“Oh, okay, I thought it was a chill idea. Do you have any ideas?”

“Well, it is not for me to decide. I just want this to be worthwhile for you. Look, generally speaking, when you make a deal with The Devil, it means that you give me your eternal soul and in exchange I help you get something you want, like a talent or riches or a particular sexual partner.”

“Chill.”

“Okay, well, let’s make a deal.”

“Tight.”

“So, what would you like?”

“Um, well, I’m seeing Kelsey, my dad gives me money and I’m already a tight surfer.”

“It does not have to be one of those things. Whatever you desire. I just want your eternal soul.”

“Um, have you seen the port-a-potty scene in the movie Jackass 3?”

“No, no, no, you are missing the point! I have seen that stunt, but I refuse to participate. You cannot possibly be willing to give me your soul for something you have already seen in a movie?”

“I guess, but it’s a tight stunt.”

“I agree that it is a tight stunt, but, look, it is already on film. You can watch it on the Internet anytime you want.”

“Okay.”

“So, come on, there’s nothing you desire that has been out of your reach in life? What about college? You have not been to college. I could get you in?”

“Alright, sure, get me in. I was thinking about taking a ceramics class at the Continuing Education Center.”

“No, one does not need help getting into The CEC. You just have to pay the fee. I was talking about a prestigious college.”

“So, like San Diego State? Kale goes there. He says it’s pretty tight.”

“No, not San Diego State. You can get in there. I mean, Kale got in there, for God’s sake. I meant a highly selective school. You know what, forget college. It is not for everyone. Not all of us can be Kale.”

“Sorry, Devil, I’m trying.”

“No, it is not your fault. You are being honest. Look, just name anything and whatever it is, we have a deal.”

“Um…um…okay, got it. You bone a goat and I’m calling Kale to film it…hey, where you going Devil?”

“On second thought, I wish you the best, but I no longer desire your soul. I do not think it would serve much purpose.”

“You sure? Kale can get us a goat.”

“You and Kale have fun.”

“Tight.”



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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