Alright team, our first half was not great. The offense was sloppy and the defense even sloppier. What the hell are you guys are doing out there?   
We’ve got to come together like a team… like the team at the Pentagon, State Department and White House that planned and carried out the 9/11 attacks and then duped us into believing that Al Qaeda did it. Now, that’s the kind of teamwork I want to see.
Offensive line, you guys look like garbage. You’re letting their defense through over and over again. I mean, for crying out loud, offensive line, you guys are flimsier than the logic underpinning the 9/11 Commission Report.
And defense, I got something to say to you, too.  Right now, they’re killing us on the run plays. Linebackers, I need you to step up and fill those holes so their running backs can’t get through.  Nineteen times they had holes so big you could drive a truck through ’em. Nineteen friggin times! Nineteen, incidentally, is the number of hijackers the government claims plotted the 9/11 attacks. Yeah, right, I’ll believe that when it’s a cold day in hell.  
Let’s change things up and make things happen out there, ok. We need to get some friggin W’s on the board. And, speaking of W’s, you guys think George W. Bush knew about the government’s 9/11 plot or that he was just a patsy? I’m 50/50 on that one.
Now, after the game, whether we win or lose, I want all of you to meet back here so we can have a serious talk. I want to explain to you how Katy Perry is a grown-up Jon Benet Ramsey who’s acting as a tool of the CIA.


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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