Mark Mitchell is a writer and performer living in Los Angeles. If using the childhood pet/street formula, his porn name would be "Crackers Saddleback." He is enthusiastic about candy. If you like Twitter but wish you followed people who never tweet, might I recommend following him?

Dear Mr. Mitchell,

I recognize this is unorthodox, but I’ve been monitoring your activity lately and I feel like I need to reach out. Frankly, all of us here at the NSA are a little concerned. Don’t worry, not waterboard-level concerned (haha!). We’re worried about you on a personal level.

It’s the little things. Like, you’re still spending $14.99 a month as a member of the Columbia House Music Club? Mark, they haven’t been in business since 2009. Do you even look at your bank statement? That’s literally the least you can do to manage your finances.

Speaking of which, how’s that gym membership treating you? Still going three times a week like you tweeted 08-Jan 2014? I thought so.

And are you eating well? Are you really? It’s just that our CCTV cameras have seen a lot of takeout delivery coming to your apartment complex. And no, I haven’t logged into your MacBook’s webcam to check if it’s being delivered to you specifically, because I trust you. But let’s just say it matches with your credit card transactions.

I hesitate to bring this up, but when’s the last time you called your sister? It’s her birthday next week, and I know she’d love to hear from you. If you’re stuck for gift ideas, I can send you a list of things she’s Googled recently.

Look, the important thing is that it’s not too late to turn things around. The NSA isn’t angry with you; we’re just disappointed in some of the choices you’ve made. We believe in the spirit of America, we believe in a bright, safe tomorrow for all Americans, and we believe in you! I’ve assigned a contractor to monitor you extra closely for the next few months. It’s for your own good. Hopefully knowing that someone is always watching will encourage you to make good choices. And I do mean always. If you keep that up you’re gonna go blind, mister!

Enclosed you’ll find a check for $25. It’s not much, but please put it towards opening a savings account. I’ve also included a list of dermatologists that are in your network.

You can do it!

Best regards,

Frances J. Fleisch
Acting Deputy Director, National Security Agency


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!

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