Dear Augustus Philippians III,

It has come to the attention of our board of directors that you have been remiss in paying your dues as of November 28th of last year. As your membership to our club began on that date, and according to our records, the same date also happens to mark the day of your birth, our chief accountant has deduced that you have not paid any relevant fees to the Wenatchee Yacht Club ever, in your entire life.

Needless to say, this comes as a great shock to us. Many people questioned our initial decision to allow an infant child into the ranks of our illustrious society, but to them we said: who better than an infant to learn the ancient and luxurious art of yachting? Do we not all return to a childlike state when behind the helm of a mighty sea craft? Are we not all, in some ways, infants driving boats? Certain members who may or may not be seeking to usurp my position as President of the Wenatchee Yachting Club are now throwing these very words in my face.

Of course, this is not only about the money. In the case of fine, upstanding members, we are sometimes able to overlook late payments of dues. We are a community after all, and we do try to take care of our own. Unfortunately, your behavior has not been that of a member of any community.  Frankly, we question your desires and motivations in joining this club in the first place.

Many members have complained of constant, prolonged crying over the emergency radio channels, an action that, according to our charter, could be grounds for immediate expulsion and possible criminal charges. Additionally, you have never once successfully been able to dock or push off without significant property damage to your neighbor’s yachts. Furthermore, our monthly inspections have revealed that many of the life preservers aboard your vessel show significant marks of having been used in some sort of sick “teething” ritual.

To be honest, this scandal could not have come at a worse time. Nathaniel Ewing has had his eyes set on my position for years now, and this is exactly the kind of ammunition he needs to overtake me in next month’s elections. I wish there was some other recourse that I could take, but unfortunately your behavior has forced me to take drastic action.

You are hereby suspended from the Wenatchee Yachting Club for a period of eight months, owing a $150,000 fine for property damage caused to the yachts of other members. Again, I wish there was some other way, but the board has discussed this decision, and it is final. I wish you luck in your future endeavors, and I hope that eight months from now you have learned valuable lessons about the nature and seriousness of this grand tradition we call Yachting.

Augustus Philippians II

Illustration by Paige Weldon


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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