A Letter to Peanut
By
March 26, 2014

To our sweet, precious Peanut,

We weren’t quite sure when to tell you this, but we figured that we should before you found out some other way. We’re not your biological parents. We adopted you when you were born. We couldn’t have given birth to you. Humans can’t birth puppies, because the world is cruel. You were just three days old when we met you, and from that moment we knew you were ours, and loved you as if you were made of our own genes.

I know that this might be hard to hear, but don’t think for a moment that we love your brother any more than you just because he shares our blood. In fact, we love you more, so much more than Ryan, with his basketball and blue jeans. Thank god Ryan went away to college so we could be the family we’ve always wanted to be. Good riddance.

While Ryan was a terrible accident, we wanted you more than anything. You were born to a teen mother–unheard of for a dog that advanced in age to have puppies. But you were our little miracle. We showered you with toys and treats and tiny sweaters that you immediately chewed off. We didn’t get mad when you pooped all over our new carpet. How could we, when you were so precious? Anyways, Ryan had already ruined it when he got hit by a car and came in dripping blood all over the damn place. God, Ryan’s the worst. The day you graduated from obedience school with honors was the proudest day of our lives. We never knew the pride that could come from watching your baby accomplish something (We left halfway through Ryan’s valedictorian speech. He started with a story about when he was a kid. We don’t need to hear that–we were there.)

We just want you to know how lucky we are to call you ours and how much we love you.

Love,
Mommy and Daddy
(Gerald and Cynthia to Ryan)

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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