Dear Allison, Andrew, Brian, Claire and “Bender,”

I’m mailing this letter to your homes because I’d like your parents to know that you failed your detention assignment. I asked you to write an essay about “who you think you are” – here’s a list of the mistakes you made.

1. I asked you each for 1,000 words. Only Brian did the assignment, and he only wrote a paragraph. A very sappy, obvious paragraph. Do you guys know what an essay is?

2. At one point during the essay, the handwriting changes four different times. Brian wrote, “We found out that each of us is a brain,” and then someone else wrote “an athlete,” another wrote “a princess,” another “a basket case…” Why did you guys do this? It’s weird.

You’re not all of these things. Brian, you have no athletic ability. “Bender” certainly isn’t a brain. “Bender” isn’t an athlete either, because he backed down after I threatened him physically in the supply closet. Your essay doesn’t make sense.

3. Nobody used this essay to apologize for what they did. Jesus Christ, Andrew, you taped a student’s butt-cheeks together. Brian brought a flare gun in to school! School is not a boat. You all should have apologized via essay.

4. You sign your letter “The Breakfast Club.” What is this referencing? Did you guys sneak breakfast into detention? That’s not allowed.

5. If the point of your essay is that I judged you all, well, guilty. To me, you’re all weird freaks. In fairness, you’re equally judgmental. When Allison came in this morning, she looked goth, and nobody liked her. When she left, she’d changed her makeup to look prettier, and Andrew made out with her on the school steps.

First off, that is not allowed, and you are both in trouble. But my point is, why did Allison have to glam up to get Andrew’s attention? It would have been a stronger choice if Andrew had liked her for who she was, not what magazines like YM or Bop tell her to look like. So don’t act all high and mighty, kids. You’re awful people too.

Well kids, I ended up writing a much longer criticism of your essay than I thought I would. The fact remains – this half-written nonsense you handed in was confusing. You all have detention again this Saturday, where you will work with Janitor Carl to repair the air duct, window and door you broke on Saturday.

Did you think I wouldn’t see those things? You were the only kids at school. What’s wrong with you guys?


Principal Richard Vernon
Shermer High School