My fellow Nebraskans, I’m coming to you today from a place of love in my heart, and trust in my mind and soul, and that’s why I know that you’ll agree with me, and trust me, and believe in me, when I bring to you the very important message I’m here to bring to you today….

Please vote for me. Please.

Oh please. Oh come on, I’m going to need a LOT more votes to win this thing. You would not BELIEVE how many votes the other guy’s got right now and I just–I just I–I need this job. I need the benefits. I just bought a new boat, and those aren’t free, you know.

Just, please, PLEASE vote for me. I need you to, and I need you to tell other people around you to vote. Just have them vote–and this is really important–when they vote, they need to vote for ME, not that other fella with all the votes. He’s got plenty. I don’t see why he needs any more votes, really. I heard he doesn’t even like getting votes, so you vote for me and everyone wins. You all voted for me last time, right? Otherwise I wouldn’t be here today.

So just please, please vote for me, just–okay, you know what? You don’t have to vote for me. In fact, if you weren’t going to, why even bother voting? Why not take a nice trip down to the supermarket? You could treat yourself to one of those nice frozen meals. Aren’t those nice? And maybe some of those flavorful iced creams that makes our state so very proud.

Let’s go Nebraska. I would vote for you. I mean, as long as you weren’t running for governor, or if you were but I wasn’t. I just mean, we have a lot of history together, right Nebraska? How about just throwing in some votes for old times’ sake? Oh please, please just give a vote to ol’ Nicky Breen, whaddya say?



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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