Greetings, fellow Americans. This is your former President, Richard Nixon. Back from the dead.

First of all, regarding the… well, the controversy that has come to, some would say, tarnish my Presidency… I have this to say about that. First, I deeply regret the time together we lost. And, more importantly, I thank you for allowing me back into your homes in this capacity.

I have always tried to discuss matters that I believed affected the national interest, to do what is best for our Nation. In that spirit, I’m proud to announce the first in a series that I call…


Top five lists of whatever!—compiled by me, President Nixon.

The subject of this premier edition of Nixon’s Lists®? Uggoes! Top five ugliest guys. Got that? Alright, here we go.

5. John F. Kennedy

I find nothing—nothing—as baffling as I do John Kennedy’s reputation as “the Handsome President.”

Really, America? That man’s face is more abhorrent to every instinct in my body than leaving office before my term was completed. His forehead’s the size of a Camaro!

Nixon Sidebar: Sure I was sick, sure I hadn’t shaved in a while, but the real reason I lost that debate? I wouldn’t wear make-up. They said that on T.V. make-up makes you more presentable. “T.V.?” I said to ‘em, “T.V.’s a fad. Now make yourself useful… get in the studio audience and find some communists.”

4. Gerald Ford

I know, I know. You’re thinking, “Nixon, your own veep?” What can I say? I like the guy, but even more than that, I respect the integrity of this list. And bottom line? Gerald Ford’s a weird-looking guy.

I didn’t hold it against him though. Me and Gerry had some good times. We used to go out for Russian food. It’s no secret that I’m no great admirer of Mother Russia, but they make a damn good bowl of cold soup.

One time I even had Gerry over for a stroganoff. Homemade! After a few bites, he turned to me and said “Richard, I can’t eat this.”

“That’s alright, Gerry,” I said, “I am not a cook.”

3. John Quincy Adams

Explanation obviously unnecessary. Moving on.

2. Rihanna

It’s not that she’s ugly, it’s that she’s nowhere near as good-looking as she seems to think she is. And that’s unattractive in my book, baby. Her and that space-happy chowderhead Jack Kennedy—talk about your Bay of Pigs!

And, lastly, a “Nixon’s Lists” first-ever three-way tie!

1. Commies / Pinkoes / The Continuing Lack of Peace Between Nations

God bless you all. Goodnight.


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