My older and much wiser sister is eight months pregnant and I’m freaking out. What is my role here? What does this mean for me? My strategically placed position of being the young son living 1,000 miles across the country dramatically increases my demand among my parents. It’s honestly been a fantastic boost in ratings in comparison to my sister, solely for the fact that I’m just not there. It’s a great gig and as the old saying goes, “Distance makes the heart grow fonder.”

It won’t last though. This “new addition” is going to seriously affect my clout within the family. For instance, the high priority activity of “visiting Nicky in Hollywood” will be placed directly on the back burner, set to low heat. When I visit back home, I won’t be able to have my degenerate high school buddies over to my parent’s house to get hammered because “the baby is coming over early tomorrow.” I definitely won’t have any substantiated power on what or where we eat (my sister held this power for most of my life, however, I received this power once I moved away).

It’s quite possible the psychological effect I have on my parents will dwindle down to reality: out of sight, out of mind.

Plus, she’s having a boy. Well, actually, we aren’t sure yet. All we know is that it has a penis. But let’s face it, this thing could easily fill the void that is missing in the psyche of my Mother and Father.

It’s really not helping my own peace of mind that this wannabe human has all the indications that it’s going to easily surpass me in every facet of life. My sister is a Certified Public Accountant and her husband was a Division 1 All-American Wrestler. They also have three French Bulldogs. Their beautiful house is set to be a breeding ground for spectacular humans. I can’t compete with that.

But it’s OK. I know what I’m going to do. As the seasons change and situations evolve, you can’t get left behind. Otherwise, you’ll be stuck sleeping in the guest room while a tiny alien stranger sleeps in the room you grew up in.

It’s simple. I’m joining the Navy. I’ll ask to be stationed on one of those U.S. Destroyers located on the Korean Peninsula. I’ll be a goddamn hero. That little skunk sized cry machine won’t have a thing on me. Talk about being on my parents’ mind! Sheesh! They’ll be worried sick. I’ll have so much influence that I’ll persuade them to come visit me in Seoul on the same day of their Grandson’s 1st birthday (whenever that will be) due to my erroneous plea of “it’s the best time to visit.”

As for my sister, she’ll be harmless. When I’m back in town, we’ll be eating at Outback Steakhouse WITH the military discount.


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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