A New Yoda?
By
January 10, 2017

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It had been years and years and Yoda knew he had a speech problem. He wasn’t a fool. He had always been self-conscious. He knew he spoke in disjointed sentences with improper structure and poor subject-verb agreement. At best, people assumed he was so “into The Force” that he didn’t have time to work on his speaking difficulties, and, at worst, people assumed he was just a simpleton.  

So, a few years back, once the galaxy settled into a peaceful balance between light and dark, Yoda took the time to see the best speech therapist in the Dagobah system. He had been invited to speak at a Jedi Council event and he was nervous. Yoda had always said to himself that he’d rather fight a million Sith lords than speak in public. He figured this was a good time to do something about that. After all, as he himself often said, “Fear is the path to the dark side.”

Dr. Shin had worked with Yoda for a while, everything from diagramming sentences to vocal exercises, and, now, Yoda spoke like a college professor.  

Yoda couldn’t wait to show off his new skills to his old pal and mentee Luke Skywalker. Luke was just now arriving to seek advice from Yoda as Luke was starting to sense a resurgence of the dark side in the galaxy. 

Yoda stood at the edge of a swamp looking on as Luke lowered his X-Wing onto the ground. R2-D2 beeped and booped with excitement upon the sight of Yoda. Luke exited his X-Wing, took off his helmet, approached Yoda and exclaimed, “Yoda, how are you?”

“I am doing fantastic! I have been having a remarkable time as of late and I would love to tell you all about it,” replied Yoda. 

Luke gave a strange look. Yoda could sense Luke’s apprehension.

“So, Luke, my fond friend, how have you been?” Yoda beamed and then got pensive, again sensing Luke’s weirdness.

“Um, yeah, I’ve been good, Master Yoda, but, uh…”

“Is something wrong, Luke?”

“Well, I just was swinging by to get some advice… I think the dark side has been rising… and, uh…,” Luke trailed off for a second, but couldn’t hold back any longer. 

“What’s up with the way you’re speaking, Master Yoda?”

R2, who’d now also exited the X-Wing, beeped and booped in agreement with Luke’s question.

“I got speech therapy! Don’t I sound fantastic?”

“Um, yeah, I guess so.”

“So, tell me about the danger you sense with the dark side?”

“Well, you know what, Master Yoda, I think I’m just gonna talk to the dead hologram thingy of Obi-Wan Kenobi. Ben just has that regal accent and it really makes him seem wise.”

“I’m wise, too.”

“I don’t know, without that disjointed speaking pattern, you just seem so…so…so normal.  It feels like I’m getting advice from Han Solo or something. I can’t explain it. Anyway, I should get going. Come on, R2.” Luke and R2 turned away.

Yoda thought for a moment. And, then said, “Wise, is Yoda, too. Advice, it is, you want? Give it, I will.”

“Let me get my things!” replied Luke, and then hurried off to get his stuff from his fighter.

Yoda shrugged and thought, “Give the people what they want, I will.”

 

 
 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 

 

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