Hi Unwitting Mailing List Recipient,
It’s me, Extremely Famous Person, reaching out to inform you of an amazing opportunity that will undeniably be an uncomfortable few hours for me!
See, I’ve taken a ten-second break from my glamorous life full of inconceivably fulfilling sex and meals at restaurants where it’s hard to get reservations, to glance over this email written by a nameless copywriter. If you’re reading this, I can only assume someone told another person I approved it.
Here’s the catch: for an exorbitant amount of money that will go towards what I can only assume is a charity allowing tax exemptions, you are placed in a raffle and receive a minuscule chance to linger in my vicinity me for a few hours. Will your money go toward underserved schools or a political campaign? Honestly, no idea. My only real stipulation was that the money not go to kids who were diddled by the Church. Touchy subject.
Together we’ll embark on an exasperating couple hours of forced interactions and experiences. You’ll have the kind of access to me that most people could only imagine while I mispronounce your name in a myriad of ways you’ve never before heard.
Have questions about my work in that big-budget blockbuster series you love so much? Ask away, as long as it requires nothing more than a yes-or-no response. All the questions I’ll acknowledge can be found on my publicist’s list of ten pre-approved inquiries. There will be a strict limit of five questions, but I reserve the right to answer fewer depending on my mood.
You’ll make tons of memories as you follow me around while I work, garnering opportunities to stand as close as seven feet near me! This will allow you more exclusive access to me than my own personal assistant, who I never let within a twenty-foot radius at any given time. Your hovering proximity is subject to change depending how loudly you breathe.
After I finish working, we’ll go to dinner at my favorite restaurant. Unfortunately, I just realized I have something else that night, so I’ll join you at the end to ask how you enjoyed the food. If I’m feeling up to it, I’ll ask you a few questions about your career before losing interest. Fair warning: I will assume you work in sales.
As our time together draws to a close I’ll even throw a half-hearted wave your way and thank you for donating to whatever cause. Please do not take this as an excuse to make eye contact. Feel free to take a photo of yourself at the restaurant and my personal team will Photoshop me into the chair next to you for personal use. Think of all the likes you’ll probably get on Instagram!
It all sounds pretty cool when you don’t take time to think on it, right?
So, what are you waiting for? Time is running out for you to enter this contest that could last fewer than another eight months. May the drastically overstated odds to use your personal days, pay for a trip on your own dime and be chronically ignored by a person you once admired, be in your favor.
Extremely Famous Celebrity
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!