A Perfect Morning Hike with My Future Wife
By
October 26, 2016

1477179127_mountains8:00 am — Carla and I arrive at the base of the mountain. Carla asks if I brought the water like I said I would. I didn’t.

8:05 am — My legs are killing me. I ask Carla how far she thinks we are from the top. She laughs and doesn’t answer the question. And to think, she’s the one who told our couple’s counselor that we don’t talk enough.

8:15 am — I hear a noise in the distance. Carla says that this area has been known to have bear sightings. I tell Carla I fought a bear once. She laughs. I think she’s impressed.  

8:25 am — I throw up. I haven’t worked out in over a year, so my body can’t handle this kind of exercise. I fall down on the trail, and when Carla turns around to help me I vomit all over her.

8:30 am — Carla is still mad about me throwing up on her. She acts like she’s never been puked on for making someone exercise before.

8:40 am — I see an awesome bug on this weird red plant so I go to pick it up, but Carla grabs my shoulder and says it’s poison oak. I try to shake her off me but she falls right on top of the plant crushing the bug. She is so clumsy sometimes.

8:45 am — Carla tells me that she wishes I had brought water like I promised so she could wash off some of the poison oak. I tell her that she needs to learn to let go of the past and live in the moment.

9:00 am — I see a cool rock I want to take a picture of. I ask Carla to hold it for me while I get my phone out. I toss it to her but she doesn’t look and it hits her in the head knocking her off the trail.

9:15 am — Carla is making me hike all the way down this steep ridge because she refuses to get up on her own.

9:30 am — I finally get to Carla. Her leg looks super gross, there’s a huge piece of bone sticking out. She doesn’t even thank me before saying that I need to help carry her up to the trail.

9:45 am — I agree to carry Carla back up to the trail on the condition that I get to pick the song for our first dance at the wedding next month.

9:46 am — I drop Carla. She screams out in pain to try to guilt trip me, but I tell her it was her fault for being so heavy, she should probably try to lose a few pounds before the wedding.

10:15 am — I manage to get us both back up to the trail. Carla asks me to call for help, because she lost her phone when she fell. I already used all the minutes on my plan this month.

10:30 am — Carla keeps complaining about her leg and yelling at me for peeing on it. I tell her that I saved her life because that’s how you have to sanitize it.

10:45 am — Carla and I finally start heading back down the mountain. I agree to let her put her arm around me and half carry her. I’m starting to get annoyed at how slowly she’s making us go.

10:55 am — I see a broken branch on the side of the trail and tell Carla that it looks like her leg.  Carla doesn’t even laugh. Her sour mood is really starting to ruin this trip for me.

11:00 am — I drop Carla again. This time she yells profane language and throws a rock at a tree behind me. I tell her it’s good that she’s letting out these pent up emotions.  I don’t rub it in that she would’ve missed the tree if I hadn’t ducked. She seems like she might be going through some stuff today, and I thought I’d let her have that win.

11:30 am — I leave Carla at the trail so I can go to the bathroom. She didn’t want me to leave her alone, but it’s not like I could take her with me I have a shy bladder.

11:35 am — I can’t go to the bathroom. I don’t know if it’s because my bladder is empty from peeing on Carla’s leg or because I can still hear Carla screaming from the trail.

11:40 am — There’s a bear on the trail. I don’t think it has noticed Carla or me. I whisper to Carla that we should attack while we still have the element of surprise. She keeps shaking her head as if she’s scared. Looks like it’s up to me to save Carla yet again.

11:41 am — I punch the bear. It gets really angry and claws my face before latching its jaws onto my arm. Seems like that would hurt but I don’t feel anything.

11:42 am — AHHHHHHHHHHH MY ARM!

 

 
 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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