First, I want to thank my friends, family and everyone at the General Mills cereal department. I also want to thank my agent Josh and my publicist Rachel. 

The past few days have a been a difficult time for myself and those close to me, but I look forward to resolving this issue in the near future. 

Let me state at the outset, unequivocally, that I never violated any copyright by or of Count Dracula. I did not steal his “image and essence” as alleged in his lawsuit filed a few days ago. These accusations are scurrilous and I categorically deny them. 

I am particularly saddened today, because not only did I consider Count Dracula a friend, I also considered him a mentor. He did so much for the vampire community in both Transylvania and around the world. He has been the public face of vampires for decades.

To be accused of stealing from him, however, is not something I take lightly. Count Dracula, though highly visible, remains only one vampire. There are many of us with similar traits to him. The idea that I stole his “image and essence” is laughable, given just how many vampires are out there, including multiple vampires who go by the title of “Count.”

Most importantly, not once, in any fashion, has Count Dracula ever encouraged the consumption of chocolate — not in cereal form or any other food format. This alone suggests that the accusations alleged by Count Dracula and his attorneys have no merit. 

From this point forward, I ask that all questions related to this case be addressed to my attorneys at Klein, Bloom and Gardner LLP. 

Lastly, I would like to end by telling all of you that I want to suck your blood, but you probably already knew that. Thank you.


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 



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