VOICE OVER: Living together is tough; being undead together is damn near impossible!

MUMMY: Dude, have you been using my toothbrush again? It’s got blood all over it.

VAMPIRE: No, man-maybe you have gingivitis?  I know Egypt pioneered dentistry and all, but you guys, like, hammered seashells into your gums, and that can’t be good long-term.

MUMMY: Stop lying! The bristles are all messed up from your fangs!

VAMPIRE: You are so paranoid. It’s like that time you accused me of using your anti-aging cream when-hello!-I’m a vampire.

MUMMY: Look, maybe you should look for another place on ScareBNB. I just don’t think we’re a good monster match as tomb-ies. You sleep in your coffin all day, you’re out all night…

VAMPIRE: Oh, that’s rich, coming from someone who slept for thousands of years, only to be awoken by an ancient curse!  

MUMMY: You have people over, you leave your food out…and the food’s usually the people you had you had over. 

VAMPIRE: You are batshit crazy.

MUMMY: You know what? I AM batshit crazy-literally! I also have to clean up your batshit all the time. And I think your transformation into a bat may technically violate the “no pets” policy of the sarcophagus-and it’s my hieroglyphic on the lease!

VAMPIRE: No pets? What do you call all of these embalmed cats all over the place?

MUMMY: Sacred relics representing protection and fertility, that’s what I call them!

VAMPIRE: Well, they’re the only pussy you’re getting. Gotta say bro, it’s ironic that you’re coming at me on the hygiene tip-when I’m always so fresh and meanwhile, you reak! I don’t know if you’re using your bandages as toilet paper, or your used toilet paper as bandages…

MUMMY: Bite me!

VAMPIRE: No thanks, I already ate.

MUMMY: You better not have eaten my leftover pad Thai that was in the fridge.



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 

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