Second 1: Ah, someone’s coming! Better hold the door open for them. It’s the right thing to do.

Second 2: Not enough people perform this simple act of kindness. Shame on them.

Second 3: People kinda just expect the door to be held for them, too.

Second 4: Things need to start changing in this world. People need to be nicer while also keeping their expectations low!

Second 5: It really bugs me how we live in a society full of entitled brats.

Second 6: Is it really that difficult to freakin’ hold a door open for someone?!

Second 7: I mean, you’re already opening it anyway. Might as well wait an extra second and let someone else in.

Second 8: For once in your life, be a good person. Be a mensch. Do a mitzvah.

Second 9: This person is moving slower than molasses.

Second 10: They’re farther than I initially realized…

Second 11: I can’t stop holding it open at this point, right?

Second 12: I wasn’t raised to be a quitter.

Second 13: I hold doors open for others. That’s who I am. It’s in my blood.

Second 14: But this person is taking forever. They’re still, like, 30 feet away.

Second 15: Why do I always have to be such a good person?

Second 16: That is one of my flaws, isn’t it? I’m just too nice.

Second 17: I need to toughen up. Not be such a “yes-man.”

Second 18: No, no, no. I have to stay strong. There are too many jerks already in this world. I’m gonna be one of the good guys.

Second 19: Okay, finally. Here we go…

Person walks through door. Doesn’t even acknowledge me, much less say ‘thank you.’

Second 20: Literally never holding a door open for anyone ever again.


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!