A SOOTHSAYER TOLD ME THE EXACT DAY I WILL DIE
By
March 8, 2017

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My name is Adam Allgood.

The other day a soothsayer told me the exact day I would die.

December 13th, 2317

Most people would be upset to find out the day they will die. Not me.

I’m excited. I am going to live to be 329 years old. Well beyond the common human life span. Pretty excited to find out how.

Will my brain be put inside a younger host body?

Will I be cryogenically frozen until the year 2317 only to be destroyed in my sleep by a nuclear blast?

Honestly I hope it’s neither.

I hope it’s sort of a freak thing.

I just happen to live to be 329 years old.

I go to doctors and they say…

“I don’t know how you are still alive” and “You are a freak.”

I will out live my family, friends and children, but when they are all gone I will just go back to elementary school and live a life all over again. From the beginning.

I’ll make new friends, go to high school, marry a new woman, have kids… and repeat that about 4 times.

Everyone will know who I am. They will say, “There goes Adam, the oldest man in the world!”

And I will say, “Here I am! the oldest man in the world!”

I will get my own television show called “Adam: The Oldest Man in the World”

My catchphrase will be, “Just let me die already!”

People will laugh. It will be the highest rated and longest running show of all time.

But I will walk away from it all. All the fame and attention. I won’t be able to take it anymore.

I am an old man after all. I just want to be left alone.

At age 306, I will buy an island with my fortune and build a condo on it.

“But Adam, you’re rich? Why a condo? Build a mansion.”

I want a condo. I am the oldest man in the world after all.

Held up in my island condo I will try to remember…

Remember all the life times.

I scroll down my twitter… through all the Facebook posts.

September 28th, 2021. My first son was born. My VERY first son.

His name was… Bambo? I forgot the name of my own son.

How could I have forgotten the name of my own son?

Sweet Bambo. He became a Senator. I was so proud.

Senator Bambo.

What would Senator Bambo think of his father now?

What would he think of “Adam: The Oldest Man in the World”

Not every episode was gold, but it was solid.

Guess I’ll have to ask him when I’m dead…

Senator Bambo, what do you think of my show “Adam: The Oldest Man in the World?”

I can’t wait to hear what he says.

Just let me die already.

 

 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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