A Taxonomy of Common Birds of Los Angeles, Objectively Ranked from Best to Worst According to My Personal Preferences
By
August 4, 2015

Brunch Birds
AKA Chubby lil Chirp Chirps
AKA Sparrows

Add a real ambience to brunch

Reaction if one landed on your person: Feel like a Disney princess
Huggability rating: 9

Boats
AKA Boats
AKA  Duck Boats

Float like boats, don’t absorb water like boats, love breadcrumbs like boats, quack like boats
Sometimes they look like they’re in little couples on little lake dates

Reaction if one landed on your person: Honestly, honored
Huggability rating: 10

The Ugly Duckling: You Won’t Believe what he Looks Like All Grown Up!
AKA the real life nude figure model behind the popular pool float
AKA Swans

Mean girls of the skies and waterways
Not impressed by you

Reaction if one landed on your person: Terrified but excited. Does this mean I have a chance at being invited to the cool kid party this weekend
Huggability rating: 2

Buddhist Monks of the Bird World
AKA Tiny Grey Bald Cap Devotees
AKA who even knows? Not me.

Have those unbelievably smooth looking little scalps
I want to pet their heads
Just, domes of luxurious velvet. Damn, bet it’s so soft.

Reaction if one landed on your person: pet it’s head
Huggability rating: 6

Not Swans
AKA the less pretty sister of swans
AKA Geese

Bullies
They’re just mean because they’re insecure about not being swans

Reaction if one landed on your person: “chill out, dude”
Huggability rating: 0

A Bunch of Germs on Each Other’s Shoulders Under a Trench Coat
AKA Cockroaches of the Heavens
AKA pigeons

Ruin everything
Like cockroaches, are cocky as fuck and think that they own this goddamn town

Reaction if one landed on your person: Kill myself with a cleansing fire
Huggability rating: Burn it down. Burn it all down.

 

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