Mark Mitchell is a writer and performer living in Los Angeles. If using the childhood pet/street formula, his porn name would be "Crackers Saddleback." He is enthusiastic about candy. If you like Twitter but wish you followed people who never tweet, might I recommend following him?

What they text:

Me n sum friends r gonna hang out at the beach fri night for my bday. U should come

What you read:

Hey, it’s me, the person you’ve been harboring a crush on for months. I’ve invited my cool, attractive and successful friends to hang out with me on Friday for my birthday, but you can come too.

We’re going to the beach so I hope you don’t have any crippling body issues that would prevent you from wearing a bathing suit. You probably should have made that dermatologist appointment you’ve been considering for months. Is your body acne more embarrassing than wearing a t-shirt into the ocean? Guess we’ll all find out together.

While my invitation may seem casual, my closest friends (they all have great skin – did I mention that?) and I could just be inviting you as a gag. You’ll never know. On Monday, when the break room goes quiet as you enter, will it be because there was a natural lull in the conversation? Or will you be interrupting me as I recount to everyone in our office how you weren’t coordinated enough to work a cigarette lighter so you just pretended to take a hit of the bong before passing it on? Yes, I noticed.

Anyway, hope you can make it!

What they really mean:

A few friends and I are going to hang out at the beach Friday to celebrate my birthday. Please come if you can make it!



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *