I get it. I really do. You want to bring our divided nation together, to heal the wounds of both political parties with a simple act of kindness. But you need to heal yourself first. To start: the red piles of liquid coming out of your head.

You should look in the mirror. Like literally look in the mirror, because then you would see the wounds that I speak of, on your head, your hands, and the one peeking above your collar. And anywhere else, for that matter—your light blue button up shirt is wet around your torso, for example.

I used to be like you: young and idealistic and suffering from eczema. At first I thought it was just a simple rash on my legs, but then it spread. The rashes were dry and crusty and would occasionally bleed. The only cure was a combination of ointment and oral steroids. If you look close enough, you can still see the scars. Here, look for yourself. Do you see now what I mean?

Hugs are contagious, as is ringworm, or a viral infection resistant to the drugs of modern medicine. At least in my day, when I had eczema, I didn’t burden others with such a risk, unlike you. How many people have you hugged, anyways? Jesus, we could have a crisis on our hands here. Well, you already have a crisis on your hands, and in your bloodstream, perhaps—we’re having fun here.

This is not the answer, what you’re doing now. You should probably go to the emergency room, but what do I know? I’m just a simple, jaded humanities grad student on the way to the campus bookstore. I could write 2,000 words on what your sore represents about our nation’s
current political climate, but who would that benefit? And this draft of the paper I wrote for my U.S. Government class on the responsibility of our leaders in relation to Speech Act Theory, I’m
not sure who that would benefit, either. Actually, you know what? You take my paper. Go on, take it. You need it more than I do. Use it to soak up the pus that is leaking from your eye.

I should go now, because I don’t want to contract what you have, and because I have to get to class. My professor thinks the roots of broad, social change come from the classroom. I’m not so sure about that. I don’t know what to think, other than that your knees are buckling and it looks like you’re going to faint. You should lie down. Here, lay your head back on my coat. It’s fine, I’ve been meaning to get a new coat anyways. No, please don’t touch me. We’re gonna have to find another way to connect with each other.



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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