When I first heard about God, I was really psyched about the concept. It sounds great — you ask for stuff you want, and then this God entity helps you out. But, now, after being on Earth for awhile, I gotta say that this God guy has a lot of room for improvement. I mean, you gotta give it up for God in certain departments, but, in other departments, it’s like what’re you thinking, God? Uh, TRY AGAIN! Even though you’re the all-knowing/all-powerful entity in charge of Earth, I’m calling you out. I’m not a hater, but sorry, God, that’s what this forum’s for.

First, so I don’t seem too negative, let’s run down some of the pluses of God. Great job on flowers, good work with the oceans, mountains, and other natural beauty stuff. Natural beauty is naturally beautiful… NUFF SAID. And, hey, I like seeing, hearing, and all the other senses –- all five senses are what really make life pop — you gotta give it up to God in the human senses department. Seriously, good effin’ stuff, God. And, God’s got hidden gems, too, like music sounding great, some yummers eats (gimme some ice cream!) and other stuff. 

I also like that Earth is dog friendly.

Sounds perfect, right? WRONG! Cause even though I love a lot of God’s shit, God can be pretty wack, too… natural disasters, war, famine, etc…nooooooooooooo!… kinda ruins the vibe on Earth.

And, the holocaust… DRAG, ugh, are you even trying, God? I used to work at Pizza Hut, and if I’d allowed a holocaust to happen at Pizza Hut, oh man, they would’ve fired me faster than you can say “meat lovers.”

And, it’s not just the big stuff… there’s small stuff, too, that seems pretty unnecessary. Details matter, duh? Just as an example, God, you’ve kept the McRib “seasonal” for over a decade now but the Filet-O-Fish is available year round… is that necessary? Sure, it’s a small thing, but you could’ve done something about that, because, hey, I don’t like Filet-O-Fishes (Ew!) and so what if I want a McRib in the summer?

So, my message to God would be this… God, I know you’re running the whole universe and you’re busy and you got a lot on your plate, bro, but duty calls, and pardon my French, step the FUCK up and do your job!

Honestly, God is just kinda meh. OK? Yes. Great? No. Who knows…maybe my expectations were too high based on all I’d heard. But, that doesn’t change how I feel.

All in all, while I’ve been more disappointed than not with my experiences with God, hopefully God is just working out the kinks, and eventually the arbitrariness of nature won’t be a problem, human beings won’t be so cruel to each other, and we can eat McRibs whenever we want. Point is, for what I’m looking for, maybe God, though clearly uneven, is the last best hope.

Posted by CaptainDong420_69


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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