Abandoned Restaurant
By
June 10, 2014

An abandoned restaurant sits among the wreckage.

In a part of town that was left to die a long time ago.

Two men wearing three-piece Hugo Boss suits walk into the shell of what was once a restaurant.

The two men ask a hostess, who is not there, for a table.

“Table for two please. Do you wanna sit outside?”

“Yes, definitely.”

“Outside if you can, thank you.”

They follow the non-existent woman to a non-existent table.

They sit in rubble and mime putting napkins in their laps.

“So how old is Scott now?”

“Fifteen.”

“Fifteen! My word, the last time I saw him he was barely walking!”

“I know, it’s been too long. You wanna see a picture?”

“Of course I do!”

One man pulls a severed dog’s tail out of his pocket and shows it to his friend, as if it were a photograph.

“There he is in his football gear. He’s the MVP of his team. He scored 40,000 touchdowns this year!”

“40,000? That’s more than Bjorn Borg ever scored.”

“I know. He really wants to go all the way and get drafted by the big times.”

“Wow, kid’s got big dreams. You should be proud.”

“Oh, I am. Here, you keep this copy.”

“No, I couldn’t.”

“Keep it! I got a million at home.”

“I will!”

He hands the dog tail to his long-time friend.

His friend gazes at it longingly.

Suddenly he shoves the whole dog tail in his mouth and swallows it all at once.

This act, which would seem strange to most, is an act of compassion between these two men.

The pair look up at a waitress who is not there.

“Yes, we are ready to order. You know what you want?

“Yes, I’ll have seven margaritas and two bloomin’ onions.”

“And I’ll have fourteen margaritas, and six bloomin’ onions.”

“Thank you.”

“Well she was fucking rude. By the way, are you on a diet?”

“I am. It’s called Less Margaritas and Less Bloomin’ Onions.”

“That’s great! You look fantastic”

“Thank you! You do too!”

“If you would excuse me, I need to use the restroom.”

One of the men stands up and walks about fifteen feet away to what used to be the kitchen.

He drops his pants and begins defecating in the rubble.

The other man remains at the “table.”

He feigns spreading butter on a chunk of cinder block.

Stuffing the whole piece in his mouth, he begins to chew. Hard.

His mouth bleeds as he breaks every tooth in his mouth.

The second man returns from the “restroom” and sits.

“So I didn’t actually ask you to lunch today just to catch up.”

“No?”

“I have a business proposal for you.”

“Go on.”

“Okay, here it is. I want you to picture this. Goats. With human faces.”

“Yes. Tell me more.”

As he further explains his business venture, his friend’s mouth begins overflowing with blood and he soon passes out.

However, the still-conscious man keeps explaining his business plan as if the other were still awake.

“Imagine having a goat with your face. Okay? A goat that could do your errands for you. A goat that could ride on airplanes for you. A goat that could fuck your wife for you. These goats could do ANYTHING in our stead because they have OUR faces.”

The man sits there waiting for a response from his unconscious friend.

“Well, don’t just lie there! Tell me what you think… You love the idea? You do! Well, would you be willing to invest? You would! How much? A cool million? Oh my god, that’s more than enough to get me started. Thank you. You will NOT regret this. I have to go call my wife and get to work on this! Thank you again!”

He stands up quickly and shakes the hand of his now comatose friend.

As he runs out of the restaurant he pulls a cell phone (nothing) from his pocket.

“Honey, remember when you told me the goats were a shit idea? An associate just invested a cool million. So FUCK you.”

He throws the phone (nothing) away and runs out to the sidewalk and addresses a valet attendant who is not there.

“Bring the Ferrari around!”

A red Ferrari F340 pulls up to the sidewalk with nobody driving it. The man hops in and speeds away.

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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