This, students, is a boa constrictor. Now, who would like to touch it? No one? Remember, even though snakes may seem scary, they’re actually more afraid of having to live with the guilt of killing you than you are of them!

It’s normal to be scared by snakes at first because they seem so bizarre to us and sometimes the unfamiliar can be scary. But the more you learn about snakes the more you realize that for them, what’s scarier than the unfamiliar is the familiar. Specifically the familiar urge to carry out the one task it was built for: murder. You see, they can’t help themselves. Even though their souls can experience the same feelings of love and community as yours, feelings of oneness with each living creature, they know the only oneness they’ll ever truly experience is in sating their bloodlust by turning another soul’s capacity for love into fat to be stored for the deep cold of night. This leaves our lizard friends in quite the philosophical pickle.

So, you needn’t worry too much when handling Mr. Boa Constrictor here, because even though he wants with every fiber of his being to collapse your little 5th grade bodies, he knows the guilt he’ll feel afterward is worse than his hunger now. That guilt crushes him with almost the same 25 lb. per square inch pressure that he would use to break all your ribs and stop you from breathing if he were hungry and weak-willed. Every kill haunts these little wonders, each last scream unable to be left behind as easily as, say, skin in molting season. In fact, most snakes feel like they deserve to slither through the dirt.

No amount of time in the sun or on a hot rock will ever make me truly feel warm,” this boa constrictor is telling himself right now as he contemplates the horrors he can’t help but dream about inflicting on your little bodies. “Maybe I truly am Satan?” he’s probably thinking.

So who’s ready to hold him?



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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