“Right now in a number of states the laws allow a baby to be born from his or her mother’s womb in the 9th month. It is wrong. It has to change.” –Donald Trump
It is difficult for mothers of September babies. We understand that here at Plan Your Parenthood. There is enormous judgment levied upon you. Women give you the side-eye when you wear your “I’m Due in September” graphic maternity tee. The big red 9 marked on your chart lets everyone at the OB-Gyn know you are a lawbreaker. You are going against the laws in most states that allow only for July or October births. When you first get the word you are due in September, you cringe and count backwards to make sure you have your conception dates right. You ask yourself if you really did conceive during the December blizzard when you were bored and stuck in the house for a week?
You must immediately start planning how you can give birth in August or maybe just cross your legs until October. The old wives tales to speed up labor take on special meaning toward the end of the summer. You ask yourself—will castor oil help my baby be born on 8/30? If I eat at Chuy’s every day of August, can I beat the deadline? You find yourself praying to the patron saint of summer babies, Olympian Summer Sanders.
A big fear for moms of due dates late in the year is having premature babies. While having a premature birth is scary in itself, being unlucky enough to give birth in September because of preterm labor is an enormous health and lifestyle risk. Health insurance benefits are also created to be terrible for September babies. Consider this as you plan your next child. The administration has designed maternity care to reward mothers who DON’T give birth in the ninth month. Maternity leave is also designed to reward compliant citizens. Teachers that give birth in September are punished at the highest level. Two day maternity leave is the norm in the education system for a teacher’s September baby. Teaching kids is a priority in the United States. Giving birth in the ninth month is not.
Think of your child. September babies fall in the educational gap. You will be forced to decide if you should “redshirt” them and hold them back to a school life of being the biggest kid forever. Or do you push to send them when they are only four-years-old. By age four, you won’t have had nearly enough time to accelerate them into learning algebra or reading War and Peace. You don’t have to make those kind of decisions if you give birth in March or December or October.
If you find yourself unable to avoid a September birth, avoiding arrest is crucial. Giving birth to a ninth month baby in prison is to be avoided at all costs. While August arrival clinics are illegal in all states but Kentucky and Alabama, there are other ways to give birth in August and October. Call our hotline for assistance. There are also simple ways to prevent a September birth. The biggest one is: just don’t get have unprotected sex over Christmas or New Year’s. We know it is tempting. The snow. The Christmas tree. Please consider the repercussions for your unborn child and save that loving for Valentine’s Day.
Please give birth in March or December. Any other month but September. Think of your child. Think of your country. Only you can prevent births in the ninth month.
The Higgs Weldon is an online humor magazine with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was founded in the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!